My Journey Through 2019

Anger

Most of my posts in the beginning/middle of this year were about my gripes with women and third wave feminism. The amount of people reading this has gone down, as I was separating people into categories, which is something I don't like being done to me. I was complaining about the exact thing I was doing, which is complaining and creating ailments about the "other side". Rather than look at myself and what I was doing. Pointing the finger was much easier.

I was dealing with a break up this year, and was not taking responsibility for what I did. I was blaming her for things, and blaming society for how it breeds people. So a lot of this writing was misdirected anger and disappointment with how things ended with her. I've been avoiding the pain, and chasing pleasure and other things in attempts to get over it.

I dove deep into the red pill ideology to protect and validate myself, and began to view women conspiratorially, and guarded my heart, and only viewed them as sexual opportunities. Anything more could be a possibility of getting hurt again.

As I dove deep down the red pill rabbit hole, I became pessimistic about the future. I felt like things were against me, while saying they were for me. I wasn't going to allow myself to get hurt again and I wasn't going to find a  long term partner that I could trust, and felt angry about how the world works.

I felt distant from everybody. If they weren't red pill aware, they were naive suckers, and they were going to get played. Living blindly in a blue pilled society, waiting to get hurt.

The red pill taught me a lot of valuable things, that may have prevented me from being/staying in my last relationship, but overall, it left me feeling unsatisfied and upset.

I did a lot of preaching against third wave feminism, and it was primarily coming from a wounded and defensive place. I deleted a lot of the posts, as it was part of my "red pill rage" in the unplugging process that was fueled by anger.

I wasn't in the position to be telling people how to think or how to live their lives. I lost friends and dates, which fueled more bad feelings, and a sense of "exposing" some unpleasant truth grew larger to pursue.

Healing 

As of recently I finished reading The Artist's Way, which focuses a lot on healing creatively. My first thought about it was, "I'm not a damaged artist." As I began to go through the book and do some of the exercises, I realized that I did in fact have a lot of things blocking me. Things from my past that influence my negative thinking about my ability to create things in my life.

I also discovered Jake Woodard, who talks a lot about masculine and feminine energy and spiritual healing. He has made a huge impact on me, and taught me to forgive myself for what I've done, and for how I've allowed myself to be treated in the past. I also was resistant to believing that I had to continue to heal from all of the things I've been through.

He talks about the wounded masculine and feminine attracting each other. As well as the divine masculine and feminine attracting each other. I am really enjoying learning about these two energies, and am excited to build myself into my divine masculine, and allowing and accepting my feminine energy as well.

I forgot about loving people, and through creating barriers (male, female, Conservative, Liberal etcetera) I became separated from remembering that we are all human beings. These barriers are just different vehicles in which we operate, and are often used as ways to separate ourselves from one another, and become enemies.

I want people to read my blog, and not fear that I'm going to be preaching against their beliefs. Hopefully, certain people have stuck around and not been turned off. If not, then I guess that's just the way she goes. I want to have conversations, like a lot of people, so if you are triggered or curious about anything I say please message me and we can talk.

I am done subscribing solely to any one ideology, and especially labeling and categorizing people. I see value in everything I have learned about, but going to deep down certain rabbit holes and fueling my own point of view became blinding to the other things I enjoy and to what others have to offer.

I am finding joy again in listening to music, writing, creating videos, writing songs, going to and doing comedy shows, hanging with and making new friends again. And doing it without the weight of having to think a certain way about it, or comment on how blue pilled it is in my head.

I am excited for 2020. I'll be coaching the Self Expression Leadership program with Landmark. I'll also be moving to Ireland in June. My visa will be good for a year so I'll be out of the States for that amount of time.

I appreciate everyone who reads this, I am grateful to be able to start over everyday.