Sunday, May 19, 2019

What to write about

My intention for this blog was to be funny and to share stories from my past. I have taken a turn into more self helpy, relationship and female exploration, the past few months/years.

I have found value in revealing myself and sharing details that may bring value to whoever reads this. I don't always enjoy knowing that people may know certain things about me, but I enjoy when other people sacrifice parts of themselves to create relatedness. It's also a way to satisfy my ego or put myself out there and be digested by folks. 

I have been very interested in women and relationships recently. I have done a lot of research on women, seduction and dating. I find it interesting and have more fin dating now. And, with having gone through a traumatic, long distance break up. I realized that I had been neglecting a lot of what I have been learning in this realm, in pursuit of keeping the relationship alive. I was angry for awhile, and regretful of having stayed in a relationship that I could have left awhile ago, and moved on before things got so ugly. 

I felt very hurt, and I victimized myself for how the relationship ended. I later realized that everything I did, allowed for it to end the way it did. Everything I ignored about her came out, and I felt I was being "punished" for being naive and ignoring reality. 

I am now single and dating, working a full time job, graduated college and performing improv shows regularly. I am writing songs, booking solo shows and creating other performance opportunities. My life is seemingly back on track completely. I have the necessary boxes checked that I wanted to have checked at this point. I still have a lot of thoughts about my life, and want a lot more with it. I thought I might feel differently if I had all of these boxes checked, but also knew that I wouldn't be "fixed".

I don't want to share some of this. I would prefer that my family not know some of the things I share on here. And I also get that not giving a fuck would better serve me in some areas. People will read this if they want, and people will stop half way through, or not bother at all. 

We are all going to be dead someday, so why does it matter what people think of you? Well, we have to deal with them and their opinions while we are alive. So other people's opinions seem like they have importance.

In general as people, we care about what we do, what others do, and how we are perceived by the people in our lives. So we abide by societal rules that puts lids on our self expression and our potential. We live by the direction that the voice in our heads try to steer us, and we think that the voice in our head is how life really is. We think the voice in our head is right, but it is mostly just trying to keep us out of harms way, or prevent us from being fully alive. 

I don't know what I'm really saying here. I don't feel I have put enough effort into this blog this year. I don't know if I really give a shit or if I am just manufacturing it. I don't want to appear as weak, I want people to like me, I want to appear as deep and authentic. I want people to read this and get something out of it, and to think more like me. I want to figure everything out, and I don't want to struggle, I want to be comfortable. I want to be getting blown all the time, and I know that that would get old.  I want to make ignorant trash raps songs that are nothing like this blog.

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