Thursday, February 14, 2019

Lord of the Valentinials

'Tis Valentine's Day today!

I am remembering this day last year when I was in Bath, a town in England I lived in for my semester abroad. I went to a classmates dorm kitchen to meet up with some other classmates to rehearse for a song that we performed as a group about a month later.

Then later that day, a girl in that group hosted a small yoga session that I attended with some other classmates. On the way home back to my dorm I was listening to a podcast. Jon Hamm was talking about sex and how it is more pornographic than it is about human connection.

I was planning on meeting a British girl that I had an excellent shag with a month earlier for a date. She cancelled on me, which was the first of three more times she cancelled on me in my six month stay in Bath. (We talked about her flakiness when I returned to the states. She shared some things she had been through with a guy that contributed to her flakiness with me.) I spent that evening watching "Capote" by myself, and messaging different girls I'd met in Bath.

I reread my journal entry from this day (2/14/18). And at the bottom I wrote"I am looking to be close and intimate with a gal and to get to know them and their bodies." I later found this with a girl I met a week and a half later in Bath, but didn't start to date until early May. We had as much amazing sex, as we could until I came back home to the sates a month and a half later. It was extremely kinky (pornographic), which later turned to love making. I fell in love with this girl, and it is the closest I've ever been to anyone of the opposite sex so far in my romantic life.

Some people are celebrating today being with significant loved ones, other's are with friends or alone, or working or doing other various things. I was mostly alone today, I have been applying for work and will be starting somewhere on Monday. Along with reaching out to people to see if they want to improvise with me at a nursing home on March 5th.

I felt joy in reaching out to people today, and sending out love to these folks. Mixed with some feelings of loneliness and loss from the break up with this British lass I became intimate with last May. We stayed together long distance until November. I was planning on seeing her in December and meeting her family. I still went back to England, as I had the plane ticket, but did not see her as she refused to see me, and no longer wishes to communicate with me.

Valentine's Day brought up some different feelings for me, and being alone contributes to sad thoughts. I tend to navigate in melancholy naturally anyway, and I like to think deeply about things. I'm not really sure where I wanted this essay to go, I will be hanging out with friends tonight and possibly going out to meet other sad and lonely people. That is kind of a joke, I'm not sure what I'll be doing. I don't really want to keep a sad single girl company tonight, unless it works out that way. Depending on how that may actually look, I'll consider it.

Something a woman said to me after my break up was. "Women will give up sex for love... And men will give up love for sex..."  I go back to this phrase and fundamental analysis of men and women quite a lot, and it makes more and more sense every time I think about it and experience things with women. I connected this to my break up, as this girl and I began our relationship sexually, then we fell in love, and I had to go back to my country. It ended because I wanted sex with people in my own country, and my feelings for her changed.

I still love and care about her a lot. We both ended up hurting each other. I understand where she is coming from based on what I did and said and what she has been through in her own life. She was my first love and real heartbreak, and I am grateful for all of it. I have learned a lot from it, and I've grown in unrecognizable ways.

I haven't over shared on this blog in awhile, I didn't properly brush my teeth until after I started writing this. I'm not looking for comfort from anyone, I just felt like sharing this on this day of love.

I titled this "Lord of the Valentinials" Because I kept repeating that to myself one year ago throughout the day. Thanks for reading this. Happy Valentine's Day <3!