Sunday, December 29, 2019

My Journey Through 2019


Most of my posts in the beginning/middle of this year were about my gripes with women and third wave feminism. The amount of people reading this has gone down, as I was separating people into categories, which is something I don't like being done to me. I was complaining about the exact thing I was doing, which is complaining and creating ailments about the "other side". Rather than look at myself and what I was doing. Pointing the finger was much easier.

I was dealing with a break up this year, and was not taking responsibility for what I did. I was blaming her for things, and blaming society for how it breeds people. So a lot of this writing was misdirected anger and disappointment with how things ended with her. I've been avoiding the pain, and chasing pleasure and other things in attempts to get over it.

I dove deep into the red pill ideology to protect and validate myself, and began to view women conspiratorially, and guarded my heart, and only viewed them as sexual opportunities. Anything more could be a possibility of getting hurt again.

As I dove deep down the red pill rabbit hole, I became pessimistic about the future. I felt like things were against me, while saying they were for me. I wasn't going to allow myself to get hurt again and I wasn't going to find a  long term partner that I could trust, and felt angry about how the world works.

I felt distant from everybody. If they weren't red pill aware, they were naive suckers, and they were going to get played. Living blindly in a blue pilled society, waiting to get hurt.

The red pill taught me a lot of valuable things, that may have prevented me from being/staying in my last relationship, but overall, it left me feeling unsatisfied and upset.

I did a lot of preaching against third wave feminism, and it was primarily coming from a wounded and defensive place. I deleted a lot of the posts, as it was part of my "red pill rage" in the unplugging process that was fueled by anger.

I wasn't in the position to be telling people how to think or how to live their lives. I lost friends and dates, which fueled more bad feelings, and a sense of "exposing" some unpleasant truth grew larger to pursue.


As of recently I finished reading The Artist's Way, which focuses a lot on healing creatively. My first thought about it was, "I'm not a damaged artist." As I began to go through the book and do some of the exercises, I realized that I did in fact have a lot of things blocking me. Things from my past that influence my negative thinking about my ability to create things in my life.

I also discovered Jake Woodard, who talks a lot about masculine and feminine energy and spiritual healing. He has made a huge impact on me, and taught me to forgive myself for what I've done, and for how I've allowed myself to be treated in the past. I also was resistant to believing that I had to continue to heal from all of the things I've been through.

He talks about the wounded masculine and feminine attracting each other. As well as the divine masculine and feminine attracting each other. I am really enjoying learning about these two energies, and am excited to build myself into my divine masculine, and allowing and accepting my feminine energy as well.

I forgot about loving people, and through creating barriers (male, female, Conservative, Liberal etcetera) I became separated from remembering that we are all human beings. These barriers are just different vehicles in which we operate, and are often used as ways to separate ourselves from one another, and become enemies.

I want people to read my blog, and not fear that I'm going to be preaching against their beliefs. Hopefully, certain people have stuck around and not been turned off. If not, then I guess that's just the way she goes. I want to have conversations, like a lot of people, so if you are triggered or curious about anything I say please message me and we can talk.

I am done subscribing solely to any one ideology, and especially labeling and categorizing people. I see value in everything I have learned about, but going to deep down certain rabbit holes and fueling my own point of view became blinding to the other things I enjoy and to what others have to offer.

I am finding joy again in listening to music, writing, creating videos, writing songs, going to and doing comedy shows, hanging with and making new friends again. And doing it without the weight of having to think a certain way about it, or comment on how blue pilled it is in my head.

I am excited for 2020. I'll be coaching the Self Expression Leadership program with Landmark. I'll also be moving to Ireland in June. My visa will be good for a year so I'll be out of the States for that amount of time.

I appreciate everyone who reads this, I am grateful to be able to start over everyday.

Friday, December 20, 2019

The Cat from North Finchley

December 16-23rd of 2018 I was planning to go back to England to visit my then British girlfriend in Kent, to be with her for a week and meet her family.

A month before that was when things finally fell apart. We broke up, and things just got ugly and confusing and awful.

Going to see her even though we broke up was still up in the air, I wanted to at least get some closure. I was heart broken among many other things. I was in lots of tooth pain, as I'd had four cavities filled, and then an emergency root canal, which contributed to making eating extremely difficult.

Diarrhea, insomnia, crying, obsessive writing and ruminating were common themes for me at this time. I also had to finish up my college career (writing four research papers) and now reschedule my trip to England.

Things were very stressful and hectic, but I decided that I still wanted to go to London, because I had the plane ticket and I could visit my friend Suhaila, who I also met in my six months studying abroad in Bath, England.

So I went, I was contemplating contacting her once I arrived in England even though she did not want to see or hear from me. I thought  "I'm back in the country we met in, and we probably won't ever see each other again after this, we were supposedly in love, maybe we could see each other to get some closure."

Suhaila lives in North Finchley, which is a suburb of London. That was about an hour and fifteen minute drive to Kent.

I would mention possibly going to see my ex to most people I encountered on my way there. Most people were "nice", and told me she would see me, and some told me to forget her and go have fun in London. Part of me knew I shouldn't reach out, and doing so would open the door for more suffering.

So I flew in, got a ride from the airport to North Finchley to Suhaila's house to meet her mom. She's a lovely woman, she made me a delicious Lebanese breakfast, (Eggs, bread and butter, tomatoes and olives, with juice and coffee (I really like olives now because of this)). Her mom and I talked a bit, then she called me an Uber to my Airbnb for the week about 5 minutes away.

I set up shop in my new room, and spent the next few days getting groceries, exploring the neighborhood, and trying to get on a decent sleep schedule. Suhaila was busy the first few days so I was on my own. I also spent time writing, watching Netflix, and contemplating what I could say to my ex to get her to see me.

Three days in I was having trouble sleeping. I was up all night, I watched some Netflix and wrote, and went to sleep around 9am. I woke up and it was dark outside, I looked at my clock and it said 5:00. I thought, "It can't be 5am."  It was 5PM! I had slept an entire 9-5 workday!!!

I took a shower, brushed my teeth and decided I would go out to a bar and have a pint in Finchley. I walked over to a pub, sat at the bar and ordered a Peroni. I sat by myself until an Indian-English bloke walked up to order some drinks. He looked friendly so I started talking to him.

He was a working father, enjoying some beers with some friends. His name was Kush, and he was lovely. He ordered his drinks, and as he was walking them back to where he was sitting I asked if I could join him, he said sure.

So I grabbed my drink and followed him over to his table. There was another older Indian-English guy, and a beautiful young lady sitting with them. I sat down next to the girl and the other guy.

"This is Luke"  Kush said as I shook the guys hand,  "Umar, nice to meet you, this is Natalie."  I then shook Natalies hand as her and I smiled at each other.

We began to have a fun conversation, Natalie had just met these two at this pub and then she joined them. I remember thinking to myself a few times that this was really cool, it was rare that I went out to a bar by myself and had made my way into a group like this.

Umar and Kush came to this pub after work most days before they had to go home to their wives. At first I thought that Umar was hitting on Natalie, but he soon said to me and her  "You two seem like the same age, you should get together, we'll be leaving soon."

I told them that I was visiting my friend Suhaila for a week and such. We all talked some more as Kush went back to the bar and grabbed us all some more drinks. He brought them back and sat next to me and said,  "Why aren't you chatting up Natalie, are you gay or something?" 
"No"  I said.  "I'm waiting for you and Umar to leave, then I'll make a move." 
He understood, as he seemed to be getting upset that I wasn't taking advantage of this opportunity.

Kush then ushered Umar away with him to get home to their wives and kids. I shook their hands and thanked them for a fun encounter.

Natalie and I we were sitting pretty close to each other, and we were talking until she got a phone call and got up to talk for awhile. She returned saying it was an ex boy friend, and she was flustered, because he said he was going to pick her up, but changed his mind so she could now stay at the bar, good for me.

I started to put the moves on her, putting my hand on her leg, then putting my arm around her, looking into her eyes, and asking her questions. She told me she used to be a stripper, she came from a fucked up family, and she wanted to become a life coach. I thought,  "Perfect, she's probably great in bed."

I then got into my mode one, direct dirty talk approach. I pulled her in close to whisper in her ear  "I want to take you home and fuck you."  She was intrigued now.  "You want me to come home with you and ride your dick?"  She asked, I confirmed that that was my proposition.

"I don't even know anything about you."  She said.  "Well, what do you need to know?"  I asked.
"What are you doing here in North Finchley by yourself? This isn't a place that guys like you come to visit for a week." 
"I'm just visiting my friend."
"That can't be it, you wouldn't meet your friend in Finchley, unless you were dating them."

She figured me out, and it stung, so I told her that I was initially going to be seeing my ex and meeting her family in Kent, but had to pull an audible. So after I revealed some details, she told me about an ex boy friend she had from North Carolina.

Since we got that out of the way, I began to say more filthy things to her to get her aroused, and she would fluctuate between flirting or saying things like  "You really want me to come home with you and ride your dick?"  or . "Sorry, I've had enough of that in my life."  "Don't waste your time"  "I want a relationship with a nice guy now"  "If you'd asked me a week ago I would have done it." 

At some points she would lean in closer to me, touching my chest and playing with my necklace saying.  "You are very handsome and mysterious."  Then she'd recoil as I continued to make attempts at her as I felt I may have a shot. She continued to lean her left ear towards me when I moved my face closer to it, to hear my erotic propositions.

I had it in my mind that getting laid on my trip back to England would somehow be a victory. All those months I'd spent on the phone with my ex. All that time spent not going out on dates or flirting with girls so I could see her and have amazing sex with her again would somehow be made up by bringing this new British gal back to my Airbnb to have a one night stand.

My final hail mary was  "You're going to regret not taking this opportunity with me."  She seemed to admit to that, and a pained look came over her face.

She offered to be my wing woman at the bar, and her NO finally sunk in and I became annoyed. I said  "I'm going to the toilet, then I'm leaving." 

I went to the bathroom, and when I came back she offered to give me her phone number to possibly see each other before I left. I didn't want it, as I was going to be spending time with Suhaila for the remainder of my time there. She was hurt by this, and then we started arguing.

I left her there and she seemed sad. I walked down the street looking for something else, I didn't find anything so I went back the other way to head home. I walked past the pub and saw her crying and looking at her phone.

I went back inside to see her and she got up saying  "Why have you come back? Fucking men, I hate them."  She walked right past me and left.

I had an urge to chase her and console her, like I often did with my ex, and it was a point where I remember giving up that schema of trying to save the damsel in distress. I waited a bit, then I headed back to my Airbnb.

As I walked home I noticed something sticking out of a tree, it was a little beanie baby. A tuxedo cat with a black and pink witch hat. I picked it up and brought it home. It now sits in my living room.

I stayed up for quite awhile that night, then I spent the next four days hanging out with Suhaila and meeting her friends and family. She showed me around London, and we did a lot of really cool stuff.

My heart was still broken, and everything I did felt stained by the fact that I should be spending perceived quality time with the person I was holding out for in a long distance relationship.

Looking back, it was a great replanned trip, I was just in a poor state of mind. I had just been through some shit that I hadn't yet dealt with, and was back in the country that was the "cause" of it.

I'm glad I went back there, and I'm glad that I didn't reach out to her, because I'm 90% sure she would have told me to go fuck myself if I had proposed meeting up with her.

When people come by my apartment and see the cat, I tell them the story of Kush, Umar and Natalie. I hold some significance to this cat. I suppose the meaning I apply to the cat is, I wasn't able to save my ex, I wasn't able to save Natalie, but I was able to save this tuxedo witch cat in North Finchley.

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Officer Penrod

Around 2010 or so I was first experimenting with marijuana. I'm from Palatine, and another northwest suburb was Hoffman Estates. New in my weed smoking career, I soon discovered that Hoffman was the fun place to go to smoke weed with friends. There were nice parks, forest type areas, and corner stores to buy things and engage in minor hood rat activities as teenagers.

One day we were hanging out by what we called Pat's Lake, it was behind Pat's Pantry, a corner store, on a bench near a creek. We were waiting for something, and for no reason a cop came up to us and started asking us about fire works and port o potties.

He said that some kids were spotted lighting off fireworks inside of a port o potty a few blocks away from us. This was something that friends of ours were doing, and it was definetly not us. This officer asked us to empty our pockets so we did, for the most part.

Some of us had weed in our pockets and our wallets that we kept inside of our pants. I was scared, as were my friends, it seemed like we were about to get busted for weed when we were not  even doing anything to attract this kind of attention.

This officer questioned us for awhile, and was a bit intimidating. He soon called his partner, and about five minutes later the partner showed up. He was a heavier guy, and I saw on his name tag "Officer Penrod".

Penrod was a nice guy, he  cleared up any confusion that the other officer had about it being us who lit off fireworks in the port o potty. He said we were cool and could put all of the stuff back in our pockets.

Both of them soon left, and we all blew sighs of relief and proceeded to do hood rat things in a different area. We met up with the kids who lit the fireworks in the port o potty, and told them that we got to meet Officer Penrod.

Penrod soon became an inside joke amongst us all, and I'm grateful for his kindness and his silly last name.

Monday, October 28, 2019

My first day in Prague with Beny

I was in Prague from May 26th to July 2nd in 2017with a Creative Writing class with Columbia College Chicago.

One of the first weekends there, my German friend Beny came to stay with me for the weekend, and he is one of the best people to have fun with in a place. And he is back in Chicago until November 9th! So I'm excited to be with him again.

He first showed up in Prague late at night, we met up with our fellow classmates at a pub, then went to sleep soon after to rest up for the next day.

We got up and went to get something to eat at a restaurant. Czech food is very good, but I was going very heavy on the goulash in my first week there and my stomach was not used to it. As Beny and I finished our meal we left and as we were walking down the street, I felt a fart coming, so I began to break wind and a little extra came out. So I went back to the restaurant to take care of this and Beny went off to go buy cigarettes.

I cleaned up and found Beny near a scooter rental place. We soon rented these bad ass scooters for two hours and began riding around Prague in them! Good thing I shit my pants, or Beny might not have found these scooters. We went all over the city, up hills and down streets and it was a lot of fun. Beny is extremely social and friendly, so through out the day he was asking locals which places were the best to go to at night. We learned quite a few, and soon we went to see a British improv team called "Men With Coconuts" as a part of the Prague Fringe Festival.

After that we ended up going to the Stalin Monument that night. It's on a giant hill that you have to walk up many paved steps to get to. There's a big statue of Stalin there that you can sit near and overlook the city from. There was a DJ there playing techno, places to buy drinks, and we met some fun people, talked and had a great time.
Beny and I with a vague view of the city

Later Beny and I went to Cross Club around 1am. It was a really cool night club. From the outside, there was a bunch of little bridges connecting to one another, with benches and people hanging out.

Inside there was a couple of different bars and little dance areas playing good techno. Beny soon saw a group of three attractive ladies, and he approached them and we all started talking.

We soon found out that they were from a country called Georgia and they were all named Miriam. They had a spliff of some kind, that they began to smoke it and gave us some. I took a few hits and felt fine. For some reason I thought it was just tobacco. I began chatting up one of the Miriam's, as I felt some vibes of attraction.

The other Miriam handed me the spliff again, and there was a weird sense I got from this. When I hit it again, it came to me that there was something else in there other than tobacco. I began to get very in my head and anxious. I was still trying to hit on the one Miriams, and I had mustered up the courage to put my hand on her leg, and she was okay with this. We were attempting to speak to each other, but with the language barrier, it was difficult. I nervously moved my hand up closer to her thigh and back down again and she very overtly grabbed my hand and slapped it onto the table. This was embarrassing, and I continued to linger at the table for another few minutes awkwardly. I soon left and went to a table with Beny.

He was with some fellow German guys, and some Czech guys. They were beatboxing and rapping, but it died down quickly. I was sitting across from a Czech guy who started talking to me incoherently, and it was scaring me, as he was staring at me and taking long pauses between his speech.

"Sorry man, I can't understand you, do you speak English?" I said continuously.
"I crazy... I get gun, I go boom.... You understand?"

He might have said this a few more times, and combined with whatever I had smoked, and the chilly temperature outside I felt quite vulnerable. So I soon left with Beny to go and dance inside to some techno. It was warm in there, and I was able to enjoy my high and the music.

We stayed in this club the whole night, I was soon walking around and talking with people from Scotland, Italy, Ireland, Germany, Spain, Canada, Switzerland, England and Prague.

I remember this one German girl approaching me and speaking to me only in German. She was very pleasant, smiling and touching my arm a lot. I only responded to her with things like "I can't understand what you are saying, I don't speak German." And she would respond in German, with a big smile and affirming head nods. It was like she was having a conversation with herself through me. She soon thanked me, squeezing my arm and walked away. She said no words to me in English, it was so bizarre and interesting.

I met back up with Beny, and as it got light out, we were talking with some guys and they asked us, what we thought of "E=Mc squared" and it delved into a deep philosophical discussion about being good and self discovery. Beny was saying that to him it meant letting go of your ego or "eggo" as he pronounced it, and becoming best friends with yourself. Other people said stuff like "The universe is within yourself" and "When we breathe we are breathing in God."

It was awesome to see all these different cultures speaking the same language of humanity.

We went home around 9am and after that night I became present to the magic of Prague, and I felt that European people are present to this magic of life and being a contribution to the universe.

Beny and I have had other European adventures that I will go into more, and this was the first one! :)

Sunday, October 13, 2019

A Double Cop Encounter

I was with my friend Kevin one night back in 2012 sometime. It was a summer night, and he was driving us around in the suburbs, and we were looking for somewhere to smoke weed. We found a bench and parked near it and got out and sat on it, we began packing a bowl to smoke it.

We took a few hits, and very soon, a cop car pulled up flashing it's lights. My first instinct was to lay down flat on my back on the ground, with my head up. As if that was somehow going to hide me.  I suppose I was attempting to either melt into the earth, or disguise myself as the grass, to be left unseen. Kevin soon told me to get the fuck up and run with him into the abyss of tall weeds.

Some cops yelled at us to come back, and we did not. We ran deeper into the weeds and I lost a flip flop, I was upset about this. Kevin and I were scared and kept going further and further into the weeds.

We were far enough into the weeds to not be seen, and to see the car. The cops did not follow us into the weeds, and we waited a few more minutes and they eventually left.

Kevin and I retreated back to his car, and drove off. For some reason, Kevin felt like driving further into the neighborhood, as to not immediately leave the scene of the crime, onto the streets. I believe that was his logic. He was driving us around this neighborhood, and I was panicking that the cops were going to find us near the scene of the crime.

Finally, Kevin left the neighborhood, and we went over to our friend Kyle's house. I also had a bag of beer in Kevin's car, and was excited to drink them when we got to Kyles, and reduce the anxiety of what we'd just escaped.

We got there as Kyle was walking out to get some food. He told us to wait there as he would be back in a few minutes with his food. I was very stressed out and anxious, I felt that drinking a beer would calm my nerves a bit. So Kevin and I sat on the curb, I cracked open a beer by myself as Kevin did not want one.

I was about half way through my beer and a cop car pulled into the parking lot that we were sitting in. I put my beer down, grabbed the bag of the rest of them and began walking away.

"Hey, where are you going?" The cop asked. Kevin was in front of me, walking away, but he soon turned around to talk to them. "We are just waiting for our friend!" Kevin called back, I tried to grab him and prevent him from talking to them and was unsuccessful. I put my bag of beer, which had my weed inside that bag, down behind a car.

The cops came after us upset and demanding things from us. "Sit down, why were you walking away from us?"

I didn't have much of an answer for him. Kevin was not doing anything, so he was upset, because I was the one doing illegal things. They questioned us, and I was very pissed off, I thought they were going to give us drinking and or possession tickets. I also had my bowl in my pocket and was scared they were going to find it.

I thought to myself, "I don't care if they put this on my record, I'm gonna move to L.A. one day and be rich and famous, maybe I'll do porn and make a bunch of money."

One of them found the bag of beer I put behind the car, and they lectured us for awhile. Our friend Kyle walked passed them with his food, and I imagine was quite surprised that we managed to get in trouble with the cops in the short time he spent getting his food. They never searched us, and allowed us to go hang out with Kyle without giving us tickets.

We went up to Kyle's apartment, and sat on a bed with a piece of paper on it with a big pile of broken up weed on top of it. I scooped it up with the bowl that I had in my pocket the whole time. I began smoking it with a racing heart beat, upset that they had taken away my ability to get drunk that night, and scared about almost having been arrested.

Sunday, October 6, 2019

An Almost Fist Fight in Carbondale

So, around April 2014 near the end of my one year studying at Southern Illinois University in Carbondale. I began taking antidepressants (Paxil CR in the morning, and Trazodone at night), as I was dealing with depression, and had taken a break from this kind of medication for awhile. Doing this gave me a "not give a fuck attitude", and a freedom to be and express myself more intensely than before. I soon began to smoke weed again, as I didn't get paranoid about life anymore, and I was generally happier.

I was jovial, loud, expressive, abrasive, aggressive, flirtatious, confident and many other things. I was going for what I wanted without fear of consequence, and pushing boundaries in a nihilistic fashion. I was doing stand up, playing basketball, and going to class and parties, nearing the end of my time in Carbondale.

There was one Saturday night where I was walking home from a bar around 2am and I was walking passed some houses, and in one of them was a frat party happening. So I walked inside and was greeted by a few people.

I went to an area with some couches with a bunch of people there and I sat down next to some girls and some guys. I was drinking and being a bit weird. There was a muscley guy who lived there who asked me for my name, and I wouldn't give it to him, as I felt like being difficult.

"It's okay that you're here, I just want to know your name."
"Josh" I said. I might have said some other names too, and he left me alone as I wasn't really telling him my name, but was just being silly. There were some girls next to me that were on their phones, basically ignoring the party. I had a big issue with this, as they were good looking, and their phones were interfering with me being able to hit on them. So I said something like.

"Hey, why don't you get off your phone, there is a party happening." They ignored me, and there was a guy standing up next to them who said.

"Yeah, we're keeping it that way."
"What?" I asked.
"We're keeping it that way. She's my girlfriend don't talk to her."
I mockingly shrugged at him as we had a short back and forth until he said.
"I'm gonna kick this kid in the face."

I stared at him, as he'd just threatened me. We had been drawing some attention to ourselves, and as I stood up menacingly staring at him, people became alarmed. The muscley guy who asked me for my name earlier got in my face saying.

"That's my boy right there, don't be talking shit to him." I continued to stare at his boy, while people around me were saying. "You should just leave." I didn't want to, I felt slighted, and I wanted to fight this guy one on one who was talking shit to me for talking to his girl friend on the couch.

The muscley guy took off his shirt, creating an audible gasp from some surrounding folk and began telling me to get the fuck out of his house. I wasn't budging, so he put his hand on my chest, slid it up to my throat and shoved me backwards. This really annoyed and embarrassed me

I was outnumbered, and not stupid enough to take on a whole living room. I saw that I was defeated and I listened to the surrounding people's advice to leave. I began walking to the door and saw a skateboard propped up near the window. I briefly considered picking it up to wack somebody, or smash it against the window. Luckily, I did not do that.

As I approached the front door, I looked back at the muscley dude. I'm not sure why, I guess just to piss him off or "show them" that they should be ashamed for kicking out such a fine individual from their party. He saw this as a taunt I presume and charged me, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!" 

He shoved me out onto the porch. I smashed into the railing, and grabbed half a beer can throwing it at him just as he shoved me again down the steps of the porch. Hitting the railing again I jumped down the rest of the steps to make hastily away from him.

He and three other guys chased me out as I ran away a bit, but I also remember looking back at them taunting me and being intimidating. So I was kind of backwards shuffling away so I could yell at them and make some less than favorable remarks to them as well as we soon parted ways.

I crossed the street and walked by their house again as that was the direction I had to go to go home. As I walked passed there was one guy out on the porch who was yelling things at me. I pulled down my pants and showed him my ass hole. Which provoked him to reply. "Yeah I bet you like getting plugged up!" Which I replied something along the lines of me enjoying it, but only by his father. I then yelled "Luke Warner mother fuckers remember that name!"

I walked a bit further and saw a group of four guys standing there who asked me what happened. I told them, and they invited me inside to chat for a bit. I remember it as a profound moment, because I was fed up with school and wanted to quit to do comedy. One guy just kept telling me to make it happen, as I was probably repeating myself a lot after awhile. I soon left to go home and sleep.

I wanted to leave SIU around February but stayed until late May/June, completing all of my classes to come to Chicago and do improv at Second City and many other things around comedy.

This is one of the few times in my life where I've been involved in a physical altercation. I soon resorted back to my kind natured self, and this was the second to last time I got involved with taking anti depressants. I have been off them for a couple years and plan on never going back on them again.

I was asking for trouble, and the combination of new medicine, and alcohol affected my pride, ego, and my sense of justice was a bit off kilter. I did some other foolish things during the period of being on this medicine, I'm sure all delve into more soon.

Sunday, September 29, 2019

My thoughts on "Human Nature" as a 20 year old


As a twenty year old, I wrote about thirteen pages of my thoughts on "Human Nature". More so about honesty, comedy and myself. I'm sharing bits of it here for you all to see a piece of my brain at twenty years old.

Humans are the only beings able to write things down, have thoughts and observations, and opinions. Many humans feel the need to have their thoughts and opinions heard and pondered upon. Some people find injustice in the world and figure out a way to make money by pointing these things out in a humorous way.

Comedians, people I admire and am obsessed with becoming. What intrigues me about comedy is the ability to point out the hypocrisy and irony of human nature in a humorous and even enlightening way.

There are certain archetypes of human beings. The creative artist wants to be heard, to make a statement for the greater good of humanity and their own growth. At their own expense, or the belief that the movement they are starting will live on after they die. People who begin to build buildings knowing that they will not live to see them standing.

I went on rambling about social media, and how people use it to promote their own happiness, hiding from their true insecurities. Along with some friends of mine that I was upset at, and my diagnosis of their shortcomings, so I'm leaving that out.

I am very curious about why humans behave in certain ways.

In my pursuit of comedy/writing, honesty is usually the core of my humor and is really the best place to work from. Great comedians are completely honest about their point of view and therefore can get away with trashing certain types of people by pointing out their flaws in a certain humorous way.
There is a truth to being human where others want to be perceived highly. This can be achieved in the short term by displaying your happiness on the internet or by bragging about yourself.
Being honest with yourself and others about yourself and your own negative truthful emotions to me seems like what will allow me to achieve a more long term happiness and enlightenment.
With comedians, one of the first steps is to make fun of yourself. This gives them the ability to judge others, because they judge themselves first. They point out their own flaws, which they can compare to other humans and their behavior.
Truly honest comedians who hold nothing back and have no shame in sharing their own embarrassing experiences, in turn, showing their strong ego. By speaking freely and honestly about your own feelings without bragging or covering anything up REALLY shows what’s going on underneath.

I want to see life as an ultimate journey to enlightenment. True happiness is what every human being wants on this earth. Honesty is the only way to me, if you cannot be honest with yourself, how can you be happy?

I have had issues with honesty. How being honest has gotten me in trouble, in being "attacked" verbally and physically. (I'll share some of those in upcoming posts.)

So I have pondered on it a lot, how to express opinions and things in certain scenarios to get a desired outcome, or to avoid creating conflict. 

I find a lot of this stuff true still, I just don't subscribe to it as heavily, as I have changed quite a bit in 5 years, and am not as attached to these ways of thinking. Anyway, feel free to let me know what you think of 20 year old ramblings :)

Sunday, August 25, 2019


So I posted a quote from this lady, I thought it was attention grabbing and hyperbolically relevant, so I put it up to get attention and to rile people up, which it did.

I discovered what I'm more upset about is in regards to language and in dating. I feel there is a double standard in the ability for women to shame men freely calling them trash/pigs/dogs. While men critiquing women, or critiquing women for shaming men is not okay. I suppose that is just the game, and I don't have to complain about it.

Most of what I am for is in regards to dating, and I believe that masculine traits are generally attractive to women, if used in the correct way. Not over the top aggression, and so on.

I'm hungry to learn and find ways to be more healthily masculine and I have been researching ways to practice it.  To create success, improve my self, and attract beautiful women into my life.

 I can see how people could have interpreted this quote, as it is a bit of an attack. Although is has some truth to it in my opinion. People can be very sensitive and triggered, especially when things are posted online.

I don't like that what I did was somehow a political statement to people. Because it's not political, it's social, and people like to make things political these days. Many folks came out of the wood work to comment on it. People made some good points and shed some new light. I deleted it because it felt like clickbait, and it's not representative of me.

This is my blog, it has my name on it, and I am not "all" about dating, understanding women and masculinity. The amount of people reading my blogs has gone down since I began writing about this kind of stuff heavily. I imagine people interpret me through my blog posts and it's not accurately representative of me or my life.

What I also got from posting that quote was the amount of "being right" and "making others wrong" that came from it, which happens in politics all the time, and in life. Which is what I was doing too, trying to be right.

I became re present to that being what I dislike about politics and political correctness. The stubborn stances people take, and the unwillingness to listen or look wrong.

Something I've diverged from is sharing personal stories on this blog many times. Rather than fearing I am being preachy by putting out my beliefs, I'd rather share embarrassing or funny stories, because I don't care if you're offended at who I am.

I don't like to divide people, and just because we disagree politically or socially, shouldn't deny us from being friendly, or enjoying each other's work.

So, I'll be going back to sharing personal stories and experiences on this blog, and move my dating and male/female centered posts to somewhere else. As it is a side passion of mine.

I'm going to tell my stories how I want to, I like sharing things from my childhood and young adult hood, and I am offensive and filthy at times. I like to talk about sex and shitting and all the stuff they tell you not to talk about in school, church and at funerals.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Carolines Don't Like My Blog

There was a lady named Caroline I met at an improv show a year and a half ago. We exchanged numbers and she began to vaguely pursue me, as I was not single at the time. She'd offer to connect an talk about having been in an overseas relationship. 

She showed me some red flags when we would text, but when things ended in my relationship I considered engaging in premarital intercourse with her, so I ignored these red flags.

One night, she came to see me perform, and after I went to her place and we did the deed. It was more like performing surgery. It took a long time, and she was being annoying and saying antagonistic things most of the event. Which was similar to a root canal I had near the end of my last relationship.

A week or so later I posted a blog about how I don't care for certain elements of modern third wave feminism. I was writing this article for about a month and a half or so, because I knew it was controversial and wanted to be careful with how I put it out there. She texted me, some time later saying "I read your blog, I'm out" and unfriended me on Facebook. 

Another female I had been seeing had read this same post. She told me she didn't read the whole thing but was upset by it. We ended up engaging in premarital activities that night, and I have not seen her since. I found it interesting that we still got together after she'd read it, and find it more fitting that we haven't done it again. 

July of 2019, I met another girl named Caroline at a bar. We talked for a bit, I then left after exchanging numbers and agreeing that we should get together some time soon. She put in both her first and last name in my contacts. I called her a few days later, we set up a date, and she asked for my last name, I didn't give it to her. 

She then texted me later saying that she couldn't agree to go out with me without knowing my last name. She feared I would kidnap her (a joke I imagine) and no one would be able to find out who I was unless my last name was present in her contacts. A ploy to make me give it to her, I didn't want to, I found it weird that she wanted it so much, but I I gave it to her. You might find it weird that I didn't want to give it to her, I found it annoying that she asked, and not a big deal for her to have to know.

Later, she texted me saying that she thought my blog was "interesting". I asked if she agreed to go out on the day we agreed upon and she said that she didn't think that we had anything in common. I imagine she got offended or upset by some of my articles.

The blog posts I've written this year are primarily about women. My thoughts, opinions and experiences with them. Dating has been an important part of my life. Finding beautiful women to exchange orgasms with is something I and other straight men enjoy. Women are harder to understand than men, especially in the dating realm, so I've been very active in learning about this topic the past two years or so. 

I imagine that certain women read this and feel that I am trying to make them wrong, and or they get emotionally triggered and decide that I am a toxically masculine, womanizing misogynist. I'm pushing for positive masculinity. 

Because things like toxic masculinity and misogyny are so openly talked about. Shaming men is a common and even an encouraged practice. While Toxic Feminism and misandry are not on most people's radar as destructive or present. If we all want to be equal, then things should be equal on all playing fields. We can call men trash/pigs/dogs all day, and when men fight back or question this, it is shamed or not taken seriously.

I imagine that I did not mesh well with these two Carolines, and something mutually beneficial may not have sparked if they had not read my blog. I share myself and my opinions about women on here because that is what I am interested in learning and writing about right now. It's important to me to push that masculinity is not toxic.

I am a lot deeper than just my anti matriarchal spews on this blog. But that is what I am putting on here, so I can't blame you for relating to me as that, if that is what you are doing. 

I have been misunderstood a lot through out my life, as have a lot of people. And Carolines seem to dislike my views on their kind. It's okay if you are a Caroline, we are just not a match.

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Sexual Nature

I finished reading this book called Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha awhile back. It breaks down human and sexual nature from our hunter gatherer days, and how it has morphed into monogamy, marriage, having kids, cheating, divorce, etcetera. Because as human beings, we want security (marriage, kids) along with variety (one night stands, variety of sexual partners). I find this stuff very interesting, and looking at modern day relationships versus where I evolved from tells us why modern day relationships look the way they do.

One element that I found extremely interesting and true is our inherently sexually selfish desires. Which stems from procreation, and wanting to pass on stronger genes. After having listened to the Alan Roger Curries audio book The Beta Male Revolution, and The Rational Male a lot of this stuff was confirmed about alpha and beta males versus promiscuous women and good girl types.

The men that have the most sex, with the most women are alpha male types. And the women who have the most sex are the promiscuous types.

In an ideal world for alpha males. They would spend their youth having sex with many promiscuous girls and women. Once he reaches a ripe age for reproduction, or he finds a nice prudish good girl to lock down and marry, he would. Preferably an attractive woman who is a virgin, and does not act promiscuous or show any signs of leaving or cheating on him. He would get her pregnant, to ensure his genes being passed on, and once his wife is "subdued" he can go out and have his fun with various promiscuous females.

This way, the men get to have their cake and eat it too. They get their sexual needs met with a variety of women, and he ensures his paternity by impregnating his wife.

In an ideal world for promiscuous women. They would spend their youth having sex with various, erotically dominant alpha males. Once they reach a ripe age for reproduction and marriage, they settle down with an emotionally available, wealthy (resource providing) beta male. Once they marry him and get bored of the potentially bland sex, they would most likely go out and have some hot sex with an alpha male type, or invite one over when her husband is at work. Allowing herself to be impregnated by a strong alpha male type, for the beta male husband to raise as his own. As the stronger genes are being passed on, and being raised by a more reliable, resource providing man.

This way, the women get to have their cake and eat it too, They get their sexual needs met and the offspring that they want. While also having their emotional and financial needs met by their husbands.

If you are being honest with yourself, this would be an ideal situation if their were no repercussions. We all want to have our cake and eat it too. It is natural. But, being that their are other people required with this formula that are being used, it doesn't work well in society. It has been happening for a long time, and their is a lot of damage that has been done when this kind of stuff happens.

Long term monogamy is not really a "natural" thing, it just works for men to have peace of mind that their paternity is confirmed. And it gives women more peace of mind to know that their husband won't leave them when they are pregnant. Laws are set in place to create security, which reduces excitement and variety with sexuality in long term relationships, for the most part. That's just what I believe happens from my observations and what I read and listen to.

The book goes into our true sexual nature, comparing us to bonobos and chimps, and analyzing our nature as hunter and gatherer types. Looking at our past, we were not meant to sit at cubicles for 40 hours a week, so we have back and sleep problems. Just as our ancestors ate meat, some people choose to be vegetarian.

Just as our ancestors were sleeping around, we eventually evolved into being monogamous. Marriage has evolved into a normal thing that you do once you hit a certain age.  With our true sexual nature, we are not meant to settle down with one person for most of our lives, thus, cheating and divorce is very common.

I found this extremely interesting, because for the most part, men and women want different things sexually, in how we pass our genes on to create more of us.

It also confirmed my desire as a man to be promiscuous, and not settle down with any one woman too quickly, as I am young. I want to continue focusing on building myself, to be a better partner for an amazing woman someday.

I have become very interested in sex if you haven't noticed, so if anyone is interested in discussing it with me, hit me up.