Monday, March 5, 2018

Negative Thinking

I am in my head a lot. As an observant and quiet person, my mind and my mouth are constantly at war with each other. I want to say things and speak up or engage with folks, and at times I have to force myself to do so. I like talking with people and there is a fun challenge in being social and striking up conversations with strangers. And if I don't say something I will think about the fact that I didn't, later. Although, I do speak up more than I like to give myself credit for, I'm hard on myself, I was just soft on myself. 

I can also jump to conclusions on a lot of things I am dealing with. If someone says something to me and I respond in an "untruthful" way to be pleasantly phony, I think about what I should have said, later. It kind of highlights a self obsession or just self judgement. 

I don't think I'm that obsessed with myself, but I do obsess about things, especially when I am alone, and in bed, when I am trying to sleep. I am sensitive and blow these things up in my own mind, creating stories to play out that distract me from being productive.

So I don't really smoke weed anymore because I will get paranoid and think that people don't have my best interests. Especially being in a different country, I only trust certain people as much as I can in knowing them for only two months. 

I can stay awake late at night and think people are no longer interested in me. Or that some of my prior engagements with them have left them disliking me. This makes me feel insecure, and I don't want people to think I am insecure. I'm sharing this in hopes that it helps me to get it out, and to share it on others behalf if they are having similar or relatable thoughts and feelings. I am researching a lot about many other things, and feel the urge to express what I've digested in some way. 

One thing I want to do is not care about what people think, I feel that is something I don't possess. But something I can exercise to fit how I want to live. I cater to the imaginary/real people who read this and leave some things out at times, when I don't need to. There really is no threat, it is just in my head. I believe I have the answers for most things, while simultaneously feeling full of malarky.

In searching through a lot of self improvement videos, I stumbled upon a Ted talk... The Dark Side of Self Improvement.

It's basically about wanting to constantly improve yourself because you think there is something WRONG with you. Constantly searching for something new to improve creates higher and higher expectations, and leaves our inner wisdom and self reliance ignored. Not believing in yourself enough to figure it out, but turning to something exterior. 

I am guilty of always looking for some new thing to fix myself, and not being okay with where I am at in my life. It is a practice of being okay with what is and what is not, and knowing that you have room to grow if you haven't reached your goal or result. Although I do vouch for self development, it has obviously changed my life for the better, I can see how it can turn into a nonstop, endless challenge to constantly improve.  

In my acting course they talk a lot about being process driven rather than result driven. Which completely translates to life, enjoying the climb rather than reaching the top of the mountain (I feel like a complete cornball using that analogy, I want to practice not giving a fuck, but I still do in regards to being a hack). So it's okay if you haven't figured everything out yet, because no one has or is going to. There is too much information in the world, and in comparison to all the information in the world, we are all ignorant. You can only research so much in one lifetime due to other obligations like sleep, food, work, school, and such. 

So in conclusion, I have negative thoughts of not being good enough, and that is the crux of most modern humans in life and making new relationships. I am good enough, I have a lot of value, and so do you. 

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