Saturday, February 10, 2018

Dreaming and Advantages

I had a dream last night. Where I was able to float or fly by moving my legs in the air as if I were reading a bike. I was in my old neighborhood in Palatine on a grey afternoon traveling around. There was a dull sense of no place to go. I didn't take this fact of being able to levitate as that odd or dreamlike. I accepted it as something I was just able to do. If I were to become aware of the fact that it's not normal to be able to fly in real life, I could have begun to lucid dream.

I am fascinated by lucid dreaming, but haven't been able to do it for a long time. It is apparently about awareness, and the few times I become aware that I am lucid dreaming I get excited and wake up. I have been diagnosed with depression and am currently off medication, I have been on medication before and that has effected the quality of my dreams. Being that I was able to fly in this dream, I felt I did not take advantage of this fact. I did not show it off to people, and I did not go very high,  I felt that if I went to high I would float away or fall. At one point, I was slightly off the sidewalk "bicycling" past people and nobody noticed or cared.

Most of the themes of my dreams have been vaguely distressful and a feeling of being taken advantage of or being at a disadvantage, and general confusion. Being in England right now I feel these, the disadvantages of not always being able to understand people, not being that familiar with the environment and the people, and the sense of being misunderstood at times. These can also be advantages, being in a new place, no inhibitions of the past are here, I can start fresh with new people, and people are intrigued by my accent. The disadvantages are what is in my own head.

I spend a lot of time up there (my head) and I feel I'm not fully taking advantage of being in a foreign place, of my teachers, the classwork, and that I am not fully learning as much as I could be. That I am not taking advantage socially, in areas where I could be meeting more people, and getting to know the people I have met in my classes and school as well as I could be, and allowing petty things to get in the way of that.

These are all things in my head, when I want to go and talk to someone, I will first mull over in my head reasons why I should or shouldn't and what is preventing me from doing it. It's a fear of judgement, and I know that I will be leaving England on June 23rd and that some thoughts and interactions with or about me will be forgotten or not even considered.

And in writing this I am leaving information out, out of consideration of who will be reading this, and how they are connected to me or my family. But being that I want to be an actor/comedian/writer I will have to get over this more and more in order to really share myself and really connect with people to make a lasting difference. I am not completely baring my soul on the specifics of these situations, and also still don't want to share most of these things on here. Out of fear of some future consequences, and some thoughts that may be had about me.  And none of it really matters, it matters in my own head. People will read this and interpret it their own ways, and ponder upon on it, or not think about it afterwards.

I'm relating this to acting as well, a teacher here (Sam Ellis) talked about having switches of every emotion and feeling in our body. And certain ones we turn off (sadness, fright, vulnerability) because it is scary and uncomfortable. And allowing yourself to go there as an actor is scary because of the fear of judgement from other people and what future consequences may come from it. On stage and in life, these are both true and something I suffer from. Allowing myself to go to these places and to be affected by others. And in our lecture on Thursday with our Irish voice teacher (Eamon) at the end he talked about "Wanting to reveal yourself" From that I got "expose" and the feeling of wanting expose myself to purge the bad stuff. And being unafraid of openness and vulnerability. It sounds hard but will be rewarding I know, and it is something I have always struggled with, especially with my family, in really showing them who I am.

So I am exposing myself here to a degree, in hopes of helping myself, and anyone else who cares about making a difference in their own and others lives. I feel phony in that I am actually changing peoples' minds and behaviors, and that trying to be profound makes me look like a cunt... I just looked up synonyms for cunt, because I didn't want to write cunt just there, but I am leaving it there. Because I am in fact a cunt, as are we all :) And I am judging the fact that I just wrote cunt a bunch of times and that it totally changed the tone of this post, but fuck it, I'm done now, and none of it really matters anyway, it's just a bit of writing from a 24 year old, we're all going to keep living until that ends regardless. Thanks.