Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Obsessed and Caring

Things like eating, sleeping, and drinking aren't obsessions I don't think, but we are addicted to them, we need them to survive. We are also addicted to our phones for the most part. When I wake up, one of the first things I do is look at my phone, look something up, play a game or listen to something from it. I go to the bathroom with my phone almost every time. I notice it sometimes and leave it in my room, but very rarely. It makes no sense to me why I would NOT look at my phone while I make doody. I think I have an obsession with sex, cumming and the like. Having taken a week break from punography and masturbatin', the "magical essence" of it was lost and doing it felt silly and arbitrary. I don't know when the next time I will do it will be, and WHO CARES! I'm mentally obsessed with when I will do it next, and what it means that I did it yesterday and what that says about my character. I have been attached to how long it has been since I did it. When it really makes no difference and it doesn't matter and NOBODY CARES! I don't have to or want to relate everything I do to sex.

I am definetly obsessed with comedy and TV and film. I don't know how to classify it accurately, I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist, but there is definite obsession in my life. I also took a week off of drinking, and when I drank a few beers yesterday for the first time I felt like I had lost something or let myself down for breaking the streak. I put weight and meaning on things that don't require them, just like anything, there is not meaning or weight on anything until it is put there by us.

I am obsessed with the burn scars on my wrists and hands. It's almost the first thing I think about when I wake up. I have to re remind my self that I did that, and become re present to them on my skin. The shame that brings me from having to look at them every fucking minute. I have done a lot of work on alleviating their appearance physically, mentally and emotionally. The more I obsess over them, the worse they get, what makes me feel better is focusing on other things in life and being in action around what I want. It sucks that they are there, but I'm better off accepting their presence, forgiving myself and moving on.

Doing improv, or any type of performing along with sex allows me moments of being fully present. In my head I want to be doing those things all of the time. Because of the overwhelming excitement and joy that they bring me. This is not entirely true, but is a thought I've had and it is still true to some degree. There is a LOT more to life than these things, and being grateful and enjoying the little things like having a great conversation feels good.

I don't have full blown OCD, I do get anxious and depressed, and I think they all feed into each other. I don't know much about mental illness, but one thing I do is ruminate. About my scars, my past, things I am not doing and want to do. The only real cure within my mind is realizing that I am ruminating on something, and acknowledge it's existence. "I am continuing to think about this, I will think about something else or do soemthing else, and this thought may still come back." 

Like myself, I'm sure you all are thinking "Wow, Luke is really smart, how did he get so smart?" I have gone through a lot of therapy over the past eight years or so. I am no longer in therapy, and am no longer on antidepressant medication. The biggest thing that has helped me has been my education with Landmark Worldwide. It teaches about how your brain works, how we behave as humans to each other, and provides tools that allow you to take action around areas in your life that are important to you and where you are struggling. I no longer need to pay someone to listen to me, to tell me what I'm feeling and what that means. Because I have met people within Landmark that will listen to me, and give me coaching and advice that can be put into measurable action. I can also take action on my own without the help or coaching from others. One thing I did in therapy that I didn't like was wait until I saw them to take action. Delaying what I wanted to do until I could get their advice, setting expectations for them to fix my problem, and often leave disappointed. Because nothing will change without taking action. You can get all of the advice in the world, and read every book but without action that information is fucking useless!

I still have a lot of gratitude and thanks to give to my various therapists I've had throughout my life. I am lucky that my parents were willing to allow me that luxury of talking to professionals about my brain and my life. I learned a SHIT load about myself from doing it, that's where I learned about ruminating and what to do with those thoughts that snow ball in my mind. If you are in therapy that is great, it's an amazing thing to be listened to, and continue to go.

I'm not sure if this was a rant, or more of me over sharing, but I write this in hopes of helping you all willing to read, and to give insight on areas that I'm dealing with in hopes that you all can relate. Thanks for reading :)

1 comment:

  1. Not a rant and you cannot overshare. This is your blog! It all makes sense. If you're willing to look honestly and take action, that's what it's all about. Alcohol and drugs clouds our ability to see clearly. So good job experimenting with a week of abstinence! Not so easy.