Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Obsessed and Caring

Things like eating, sleeping, and drinking aren't obsessions I don't think, but we are addicted to them, we need them to survive. We are also addicted to our phones for the most part. When I wake up, one of the first things I do is look at my phone, look something up, play a game or listen to something from it. I go to the bathroom with my phone almost every time. I notice it sometimes and leave it in my room, but very rarely. It makes no sense to me why I would NOT look at my phone while I make doody. I think I have an obsession with sex, cumming and the like. Having taken a week break from punography and masturbatin', the "magical essence" of it was lost and doing it felt silly and arbitrary. I don't know when the next time I will do it will be, and WHO CARES! I'm mentally obsessed with when I will do it next, and what it means that I did it yesterday and what that says about my character. I have been attached to how long it has been since I did it. When it really makes no difference and it doesn't matter and NOBODY CARES! I don't have to or want to relate everything I do to sex.

I am definetly obsessed with comedy and TV and film. I don't know how to classify it accurately, I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist, but there is definite obsession in my life. I also took a week off of drinking, and when I drank a few beers yesterday for the first time I felt like I had lost something or let myself down for breaking the streak. I put weight and meaning on things that don't require them, just like anything, there is not meaning or weight on anything until it is put there by us.

I am obsessed with the burn scars on my wrists and hands. It's almost the first thing I think about when I wake up. I have to re remind my self that I did that, and become re present to them on my skin. The shame that brings me from having to look at them every fucking minute. I have done a lot of work on alleviating their appearance physically, mentally and emotionally. The more I obsess over them, the worse they get, what makes me feel better is focusing on other things in life and being in action around what I want. It sucks that they are there, but I'm better off accepting their presence, forgiving myself and moving on.

Doing improv, or any type of performing along with sex allows me moments of being fully present. In my head I want to be doing those things all of the time. Because of the overwhelming excitement and joy that they bring me. This is not entirely true, but is a thought I've had and it is still true to some degree. There is a LOT more to life than these things, and being grateful and enjoying the little things like having a great conversation feels good.

I don't have full blown OCD, I do get anxious and depressed, and I think they all feed into each other. I don't know much about mental illness, but one thing I do is ruminate. About my scars, my past, things I am not doing and want to do. The only real cure within my mind is realizing that I am ruminating on something, and acknowledge it's existence. "I am continuing to think about this, I will think about something else or do soemthing else, and this thought may still come back." 

Like myself, I'm sure you all are thinking "Wow, Luke is really smart, how did he get so smart?" I have gone through a lot of therapy over the past eight years or so. I am no longer in therapy, and am no longer on antidepressant medication. The biggest thing that has helped me has been my education with Landmark Worldwide. It teaches about how your brain works, how we behave as humans to each other, and provides tools that allow you to take action around areas in your life that are important to you and where you are struggling. I no longer need to pay someone to listen to me, to tell me what I'm feeling and what that means. Because I have met people within Landmark that will listen to me, and give me coaching and advice that can be put into measurable action. I can also take action on my own without the help or coaching from others. One thing I did in therapy that I didn't like was wait until I saw them to take action. Delaying what I wanted to do until I could get there advice, setting expectations for them to fix my problem, and often leave disappointed. Because nothing will change without taking action. You can get all of the advice in the world, and read every book but without action that information is fucking useless!

I still have a lot of gratitude and thanks to give to my various therapists I've had throughout my life. I am lucky that my parents were willing to allow me that luxury of talking to professionals about my brain and my life. I learned a SHIT load about myself from doing it, that's where I learned about ruminating and what to do with those thoughts that snow ball in my mind. If you are in therapy that is great, it's an amazing thing to be listened to, and continue to go.

I'm not sure if this was a rant, or more of me over sharing, but I write this in hopes of helping you all willing to read, and to give insight on areas that I'm dealing with in hopes that you all can relate. Thanks for reading :)

Thursday, August 24, 2017

NoFap, porn and masturbation

I find porn to be momentary pleasure followed by shame, guilt and general discontent. I feel physically uncomfortable afterwards a lot of the time, and ashamed at what I was watching to get off. And am ultimately faced with whatever I was avoiding, prior to ejaculation.

I have often caved when I am sat on my laptop in my room, and the best way to avoid temptation is to leave my room or even better, my apartment. But what happens is I begin to talk myself into doing it. "I have to shower anyway" "I won't be able to do it later because I'll be too busy." "I won't be able to concentrate on anything else with all of this cum inside of me." Any number of excuses and reasons for me to do it, my brain will jump to insane reasoning when I want to do it.

Having discovered NoFap now, I understand that it is possible to go weeks, months, and years at a time without getting off. And obviously, nobody needs to watch porn ever. NoFap is an online forum with the philosophy of porn being damaging to your brain and social skills. And it's easy access allows us to be lazy, and seek instant pleasure from watching porn, rather than going out to meet potential partners. Here is a link to getting started with NoFap if you have an interest in checking it out, DO IT. It has made a huge difference for me, and gave me the confidence to create amazing experiences while I was in England.

It "feels good" to watch porn and to masturbate. That is strictly short term and satisfying an immediate want. I'm not shaming anyone for doing it, it just doesn't work for me in a lot of ways. It is absolute instant gratification. Followed by grief and anger. Porn is evil to me, it is so romanticized and blows sexual reality out of proportion. It often times leaves me wanting whatever I was watching, and angry that I cannot have it, fueling jealousy and animosity. A hugely indulgent guilty pleasure. I have gone about a month now from not watching it, and I still feel it's grip, and it invades my thoughts. So it has a serious effect, and it takes time to let your brain heal.

Porn is a strange thing, it being men and women in great physical shape and attraction who are recorded having sex for us regular folk to stroke to. It is a crazy thing that it is so available and FREE, and abused! There is a payoff of disconnection and loneliness. What messed me up is being able to watch it and jerk off  to it before I ever had any real contact with a woman. This made me work backwards in the dating realm.

Watching too much porn will result in my expectations not being met by a real life sexual experience. When it's on a screen we don't have to deal with the smells, the hair, the feelings, dealing with someone else after you cum. (That boils sex down to a horribly selfish act). And pornstars are professionals, so they are able to perform moves that a potential partner cannot. Sometimes I'm not that excited to see a tit because I have the ability to click a few buttons and see a LOT of them, digitally enhanced, and exactly how I like them. It becomes a very selfish endeavor to cum, rather than "make love" to someone, or just have sex where both parties benefit equally enough.

I have told myself that I can't go more than 3 or 4 days without doing it or it will mess up my brain and body. I have to do it so I can shoot these sexual desires out of my body and be able to be productive and creative, and not think about it anymore. I don't like to focus my writing and performance on sex, I feel it can be hack, and I don't want to sexualize myself. I have since gone longer than 3-4 days, my longest streak being 2 weeks. And it is okay, and in fact amazing in some ways. I have experienced great benefits like increase in confidence, and the ability to not sexualize everyone, when watching a lot of porn you relate a lot of other things to sex.

Channeling your sexual energy into productivity (sexual transmutation) is actually an amazing thing, exercising will power, and allowing your semen to give you its nutrients. There are a lot of benefits, I suggest researching sexual transmutation if you are interested in this. It is also known as semen retention, allowing yourself not to cum to get the physical and mental health benefits of your own magic, and not shooting it out after feeling an urge. Here is a great video on it. Because if you think about it.... Our semen allows life to be created inside of a woman, so if we keep it for ourselves, imagine what it can do for us! It can invigorate more life in ourselves.

But being 24 years old, I am horny. I would jack off every hour if I didn't get physical and mental side effects. But it takes away from wanting to go out and talk to other people in search for a connection with them and the universe. We don't need sex to survive anymore, we are now overpopulated. But that instinct and urge is still there for most people to procreate.

If you are struggling with this as a man, look into NoFap, it has made a difference for me. There are benefits for women too I imagine, at least with porn for sure. Looking at that stuff creates a cycle of misery with other people, and we don't need it in our lives.