I'm the youngest of three kids. I have two older sisters, 4 and 8 years older than me. I have a small family but my immediate cousins are all girls, the two that I grew up with most are 8 and 11 years older than me.
I felt like the fifth wheel, I was the observer and at times I felt like I was a toy to them. That's my memory and my story around my upbringing, and I believe it has heavily influenced my views of women. I saw flirting from girls as a potential attack as I associated these types of behaviors from my four older, non sexual female figures.
It probably helped me become a creative and funny person, as Marc Maron puts how Harry Shearer put it, "Controlling why people laugh at you." It gave me a different perspective on women.
From that I sought out to seek male companionship, growing up I was much more comfortable talking to boys and making friends with them. Unlike with girls, I did not want to confront the fact that I liked them. Although I did somehow manage to acquire a girl friend through the grapevine from 2nd to 6th grade. I had male friends growing up, and did not want any more female energy around me.
As I grew older, and became interested in girls sexually and romantically, I went through a lot of fear, shyness and fantasizing. It took me awhile to actually kiss a girl, have sex, and make lots of mistakes did get better at dating, seducing girls and having sex.
I now feel a lot more confident in these areas, through my research and "field testing" and find the social and relational dynamics between the genders extremely interesting. So my research is continuing, and I'm learning more and more about sex and men and women and all of this stuff.
I had a bad break up with a romantic partner overseas, and lost a couple of female friends around the same time as well. During this break up I was a mess. Crying and acting like a woman was a huge turn off to my ex, and to a female friend of mine who showed me a disturbing side to her that broke our friendship.
Women will lose respect for you act like a woman. It is important to be a man, masculinity is not toxic. Acting like how they show in movies, does not work. Acting like a pussy does not get you pussy.
A female friend of mine had a break up, and her ex has showed up throwing sticks at her window to wake her up. Along with leaving flowers and a notebook on her back porch to find. THIS IS WHAT WE SEE IN MOVIES, IT SHOULD WORK RIGHT? Wrong. It's creepy, and she then emailed him saying "Stay off my property." Men being feminized is not going to work, just like women being masculinized.
I have done a lot of research online with certain dating coaches and other people I find on YouTube. One in particular I've been getting back into is PATRICE O'NEAL. Listening to him on old Opie and Anthony clips and such on YouTube.
Patrice is a genius, and a lot of his comedy is about women. He very logically breaks down the privilege that women have over men in the dating realm by having vaginas. It is an interesting take on the male and female relationships we see today. I'm assuming that most women will disagree or get angry with Patrice O'Neals philosophy on men and women but it is very funny and insightful.
Some other guys I have found that have helped me with dating, sex and understanding women are Alan Roger Currie, Corey Wayne, Richard Cooper, and Charisma on Command. They all have great information and tools for dating and success in life type of things on YouTube etcetera.
Having now been in a relationship that ended poorly, I don't think I will want to be in a monogamous one while I'm in my twenties. Of course, that all depends on if I meet an amazing girl that I feel is worthy for that. I don't think I will allow myself to get caught up in the emotions of being with a new person that blows my mind. As I don't want to re experience that kind of trauma, that was ultimately my fault.
The amount of time I spend studying this stuff could very well be a tactic in avoiding other areas of my life, but I am utilizing my gross fascination with it to share with the 30 people that read this blog.