Monday, June 20, 2016

SHOW: Baskets

If you do not know this show, it stars Zach Galifinakis as a rodeo clown, Chip Baskets. This is his dream that he is actively pursuing and is struggling through. His twin brother Dale Baskets, is the successful owner of BCC Baskets Community College, where he is both the dean, a student, and the janitor.  It is essentially Seth Galifinakis, the character of Zach's actual brother that has been developing over his career, and is finally being brought into fruition. They are compared by their mother Christine Baskets, (Louie Anderson) to her more successful adopted DJ twins, who often open for the Chemical Brothers.

It is directed by Jonathon Krisel who has directed Portlandia, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, and on SNL. Who describes the show as a 3 hour movie, and a slapstick drama... Though it is a Louie CK product, and his odd and absurd reality is very present. He breaks the rules of 'normal' reality, with honest border crossing behavior between characters. And the ending happens in such a way that these absurd elements all connect perfectly, and the story could continue for another season. Or be the end Baskets the show and still make perfect sense. That's great storytelling. When a story ends, the possibility of it picking up where it left off can happen or ending it, and it still leaves the audience satisfied.

It is hilarious, and super weird. Chip Baskets' has a similar hard headedness that Zach G seems to have in following what he believes in. And Louie Anderson is just a pleasant and wonderful surprise. He is hilarious, and plays the role of mom all too perfectly.

And there is a dark and depressing dramatic element. Regarding Chip's personal life and how his mother interferes in a way that just would not happen in real life. In a way that most parents are of afraid of truly upsetting their children, even though it is good for them. Among other dark turns that take place in each episode.

Martha is the monotone, benign female apprentice. She seems to always have a broken arm (which is never explained), her dry delivery is amazing. There are also various cameos, and it is just wondiferous.

 Below is an "Inside Look" at it's creation.

And below below is a slightly more dissected taste of the show.

GIVE IT A WATCH. You will be entertained and surprised and blown away.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Cuvee night club security story

I  used to work at a night club called Cuvee as a security guard. It's a trendy, high end night club, where a Stella Artois is about $15.  My regular weekend shifts were about 12-5am. One night I was welcoming people inside. I enjoyed that a lot, smiling to the pretty ladies and welcoming people in. After patrons enter there is a walkway with the VIP section on the left, and on the right is a step up area with tables and couches. 

Around 2am there is a scuffle on the walkway. More like, some guys were tackling each other onto the step up and beating each other violently. It was exciting, and I won't say I didn't enjoy watching momentarily.  Luckily, other more equipped guards showed up to pull the guys apart. 

One of them was in a full nelson by one guard, and I went over to hold his arms down... Poor technique on my part. For about three seconds this guy was cool, then suddenly, "Get the fuck off me!" He starts ripping away from me and the other guard, he ducks and I try to get him in a head lock as he jerks his head up into my lip (luckily not my nose). It only hurt a wee bit, I could have gotten seriously frunked up from this drunk dick's skull. A number of other guards swarmed him, pinned him down, and dragged him out, and threw the other guy out on the other side of the club.  

When I got home, for some reason I did not want to go to sleep. I got some coffee from 711, their donuts were not out yet. And they were rude about not having their donuts out, so I instead went to Dunkin' Donuts, for some D's. I brought them home and brewed another pot of coffee, (to try and stay awake). I eat and drink them and feel stuffed and tired. I begin to flip between Ren and Stimpy and the 2005 version of Bad News Bears. I had some good laughs, but I fell asleep despite all of the coffee. Coffee actually makes me tired some times. I wanted to stay up because Chicago at 6am is a beautiful site. And I was a bit wired from being involved in manhandling drunk European dudes. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

COMEDIAN: Ralphie May

He was one of the first comedians I saw on Comedy Central. An obese southerner in a big leather jacket was an interesting sight to see, and something I never thought possible. He has a fearlessness regarding race, religion, and politics that is rare in white comics.

He crosses every line in a sophisticated and extremely satirical manner.  He has a bit on doing acid, and as he did it I realized that anything can be talked about on stage and it inspired me to believe I could do it.

Stand up is really the only thing he does too (a purist). He has his own back one hundred percent and no person or audience can scare him from the topics he chooses to talk about. He is able to defend himself completely and unabashedly.

The first special of his that I saw was Girth of a Nation, which really did change my life and inspire me. He has other specials like Too Big to Ignore, Austin Tatious, and Just Correct, (Which is below) 

His newer ones on Netflix are Unruly and Imperfectly Yours which I liked better. It is hilarious and he kills it and displays his fearlessness and not giving a fuck about anything attitude.

I love Ralphie May and I always will. He is one of the first I've seen, I have a great respect for his comic POV and only relying on himself to create comedy to change the world.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Drunken Idiots at Clubs

I work at a fancy night club, so I get to witness rich European and foreign buffoons pay thousands of dollars for bottle service while watching beautiful/skanky women parade around in skin suits. It is an interesting job where I get to observe these people, in their most horrible drunken states (3-4 in the morning.) I do enjoy seeing some of the regulars, smiling to attractive women when they enter, and the occasional drunken conversations that go something like"Dude, she has a dick."

To me it is the epitome of unnecessary extra curricular bullshit, when comparing it practically to starving people and such. Where these people are out trying to force a good time, spending WAY too much money to try and pick up women. And dance to commercial main stream garbage cunt vomit music that these people actually know the words to. I'm in luh wit da coco.. Yeah are you, really? Stupid god damn lyrics.

 I also see guys come in with their girlfriends.... WHY? You brought the woman to the place where you pick up other women. You don't need to come to the club, you already got a lady. Stay at home and do stuff to each other, don't waste all of your money and try to have a good time with other people for no reason. But, this is not a problem, just a silly observation of mine.

So I stand around in a certain area, I get to talk to cute girls, and chat with drunk Europeans, and usually I don't mind it, it can be very amusing. I do enjoy it, it seems like I am complaining, because this element of humanity disturbs and upsets me. And on occasion, fights will break out. 

When we close at 4:30am, people do not want to leave. Even though the music is turned off, the lights are turned on, and every security guard in there is telling them to leave. We have to yell at them over and over and over to "Please leave because we are closed". And we continue doing this once we get them outside in the parking lot. "You guys can go hang out in other parking lots, but you can't stay here." Is my favorite line that they rarely listen to. So that part is annoying, but it is better than being on the other side of this situation, and not making a drunken ass of my self anymore.

But before the parking lot. A fight broke out in the exit hallway. Twenty guards show up, I am way behind and don't really see anything, but get to pretend like I'm doing something. The fight goes to the parking lot. I go out to the parking lot, I can hear through my radio that my boss has one of the guys who was fighting and is keeping him safe by having someone else pull his car around to get him.

We're all out in the parking lot, it is getting light outside. (This was 5am this morning.) And then I see another collage of men in suits running towards the other side of the parking lot to stop another fight. Again I get to run over and witness my fellow guards taking care of the situation.

It just baffles me that morons want to start fights at clubs, when it's closing. Mostly because I have to kind of deal with those shenanigans. I am just so not in that world, and I appreciate the outside perspective I can have. It is loaded with funny things and can become great material. But if you have ever started or instigated a fight over a girl or any other bull shit reason you are an ass hole, and a stereotype of the drunken male attempting to display his testosterone. And you should all be forced to suck a cock at gun point.

Peace, Love, and Cocksucking!

Saturday, June 4, 2016

The Internet and Social Media

In this day and age we have access to ALL of the information. When you look in the right places and find the right things to read/watch/listen to, you become far more informed than the generations before that did not have this kind of immediate access. Yet, there are still plenty of dumb people out there who know a lot of information. And with Social Media, dumb people are allowed to have a voice and spew there misspelled hatred online with this information that everyone has access to.

To me those are the two opposite spectrums of the Internet. People who use it to gain knowledge and insight on life to live better and prepare for their future. And people who use it to put out their dumb opinions, post their food on Snap chat and Instagram, and try to gain followers on Twitter for the sake of gaining followers.

When people try to project their happiness through social media, (Which I also do) they are feeding the stereotype of phone dwelling millenniums, and it keeps individuality in lock. When I put out something to say "I'm happier than you right now." I am responding to the other people on the Internet that are doing the same thing. Which keeps MY individuality down, we're feeding the machine, and putting other human beings down! 

We're reinfocing the stereotypes of Millennial jag nobs that only have value in what they shit out onto their Social Media platforms. And listen to the same garbage pop/rap music that is HORRENDOUS, with bad messages, especially to kids. And they have to play "Turn down for what" at every sporting event. Just because it is the most "popular" song, without listening to the lyrics before and shoving it out into public. To me, listening to these popular songs feeds into the stereotypical, materialistic American person. You may like these songs, I admit some of them are catchy. But to me, if you do like those songs, you just like them because EVERYBODY else does, and you want to fit it.

In females it has a different aspect. A lot of Snap chat/Instagram girls gain followers through twerking videos and promiscuous photos. "Not looking for a hook up." REALLY? Tinder profile where your cleavage is popping underneath your sultry blue eyes. But without these photos, there are still girls that just want lots of followers because they find value in being 'followed' by a lot of people.  Followers equals attention an "love". This is the same for men too, I personally would like more followers so more people could read this stupid blog and watch my stupid videos. 

The Internet is an amazing thing. It is rich with infinite information that most people abuse to try and gain notoriety through Social Media. People compare the amount of followers and put their value on that amount. When we could be taking in all of the rich information that is online, and applying it to our lives without having to tell everybody about it. But people just want to be famous NOW. Now... I want to be famous too. I want to be a successful Comedian/Actor/Writer which requires some notoriety. But what I've learned through Podcasts and research is that I don't want to be famous now.

If I can exercise my writing/acting/comedy in obscurity for years and years where I am growing in skill and knowledge. Then when I am older and well equipped, I can earn becoming famous, and be ready for whatever negative aspects come with it. And will be well rounded enough to maintain that notoriety. When people get famous too early, they fuck up and the whole world sees it, and they are often too young to recover. Besides they are at the age where they are supposed to be doing dumb shit! But not in front of the whole country... Like Justin Beiber.

People want instant gratification, that's why we jerk off and eat bad food. But patience, to me, is the key to success. And to be a part of something bigger than yourself takes time, practice and repetition.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Drunk Tale #5


My friends were home from college and we had plans to go out to the bars in Palatine that night. It was a friend Joe's birthday so a bunch of us dudes went over to his house to drink before hand.

Joe had been seeing some girl through Tinder, and she had been texting him very graphic, detailed, and poetic descriptions of what she was going to 'do' to him for his birthday. I was impressed by the writing of it and the commitment to finish her entire fantasy and display it so eloquently through text.

I was jealous of her impressive, sexual writing commitment, and the fact that Joe was having sex with the freaky woman, and I was alone. So I got this feeling of "I'm gonna get laid tonight."

We went to the bar, and it was like twelve dudes and that's it. We were waiting for some other people. Later, other people who still in Palatine (Like me at the time) showed up, along with a blonde girl I had never seen before. It was (let's call them Chris, Rob, Amy, and the blonde girl Brittany) Brittany came right up to me and we started talking. She had a deadness in her eyes, and was very wasted on something, but I saw my chances here. 

The deadness in her eyes were fixated on me. There was something debaucherous about her aura and her stare. We talked for a bit, getting to know each other, then at one point, she dropped something and bent down backing her ass right into my crotch with Chris and Amy standing RIGHT THERE watching.

Brittany had seemingly become attached to my presence because everyone she came with was ignoring her. At one point I was standing up talking to some other guys I hadn't seen in awhile, and she walks right up to me and stood staring at me as I'm in the midst of a conversation. I glance at her occasionally, and her eyes are locked on mine. So eventually I leave the conversation to keep her company. 

On occasion I would see Rob talking to her, it looked like an intense meeting every time they were talking. 

So later, it is just me and her sitting at the bar, and I ask if she is dating Rob. She says something like. "Yeah kind of. But he keeps texting his ex girlfriend (A girl he met at a party I threw years ago), about how she is going to kill herself."

This I did not want to hear, and whenever she would bring it back up I would stop her. I still saw my chances and decided to ignore any logical thoughts of not getting involved in this mess. We were migrating to a new bar, and Brittany forgot her coat, so I had to grab it and put it on her. This to me symbolized and solidified me taking care and being responsible for this lady.

Rob did not come to this new bar, and I was the only one Brittany was talking to. Rob kept calling her, and she kept telling me how she didn't want to get played by him. So I turned her phone off, I was sick of hearing about Rob texting his ex, and Brittany still kept insisting that she didn't want to get played. Rob began calling me, and I ignored him. I was in too deep, I had to pry my dick into this situation.

At some point she said he was there to pick her up, she went outside and I thought she'd left, but she came back in minutes later. Then she wanted to leave, so we made our way out into the cold to try and get a cab. Luckily, I saw some friends and they gave us a ride back to my place, around 1 or 2am.

We get there, I send her to my basement to wait as I take a long pee to prepare for battle. I go downstairs and she is petting my cat waiting. I turn on some music, we start kissing and then I hear BANG BANG BANG BANG DING DING DING DING. At first I didn't believe this was happening, then my mind raced to "That's Rob".

I threw her off of me, I run upstairs and see Rob through the door, I open it and shove him back. We go back and forth with words like "Dude, that's my girlfriend." 

I tried to explain my case to him but was obviously in no shape to get my point across in that short of time. His brother (who gave him a ride) is standing there apologizing for Rob. Then my dad comes running outside in his underwear and is quite upset.

He yells at them to leave and Rob drops "My girlfriend is in there." My dad looks back at me in shock and I have no answer for him. Somehow my Dad and I get back inside with Rob and his brother still outside. They get back in their car, and I thought they were going to leave. 

I thought I was still going to 'get some'. I contemplated calling the cops so I could 'get some' but they come back to the front door and I go limp. I open the door and ask Rob if he wants Brittany back and he does. The bull shit of the situation had sunk in and I was tired of it. So I go downstairs and grab her, she comes back up taking a very long time, I hand Rob her purse saying "You deal with her now." At this point Rob wants to talk things over because he had what he wants, but I am done. They leave, I have a brief chat with my parents and eventually go to bed. 

The next day I see apologetic texts from Rob, once I respond he gets upset at me for blatantly taking home his 'girlfriend'. We go back and forth for awhile, whatever I don't want to get into those details. 

Sometime later, my parents notice a crack in the door from when he banged the shit  out of it. (His hand was all fucked up.) So we get a quote on the door $150. He comes over a month later to drop off the money in my mailbox, I go to get it, it's only $100. I let him know, and months and months later after dodged phone calls and texts we arrange for me to come pick up the last $50.

I pull up to his driveway to see him and his EX (The girl he met at my party who was threatening to kill herself because of him) along side him. It seemed so fitting, so I got all the money back, we got the door fixed, and that was the closest I've come to getting laid since.

Thursday, June 2, 2016


Listening to Podcasts has taken over listening to music for me. I love and find more value in listening to comedians having conversations. I love WTF with Marc Maron, The Nerdist Podcast, YMIW with Pete Holmes, The Monday Morning Podcast with Bill Burr, The Church of what's Happening Now with Bobby Diaz, The Joe Rogan Experience, The Duncan Trussell Family Hour. Amongst many many others. Theses podcasts have allowed me to get to know all of theses people, and all of the people they have interviewed or had on their podcasts.

Most of us have iPhones, it is the small purple app with with looks like a stick figure's torso and head with two circles radiating from the top. You can download AS MANY as you want, and it's all FREE. I have learned so much from listening to podcasts. Whether it be advice on comedy and show business, or insight's on life and success and many other un explainable  things I've gained from listening to podcasts.

Something was confirmed for me in listening to Joe Rogan's podcast recently. Being able to 'hang out' with cool people through your ears. Especially if you live in a place where you are surrounded by people you don't feel push you to be better. You can escape and listen to somebody you love and who makes you laugh.  I had this thought of being able to escape your present reality, in some ways not talking to other people is unhealthy. But when I'm stuck listening to people in my life talking nonsense, I am calmed in the reassurance of being able to listen to a podcast.

I always listen to podcasts when I work out or run. I don't need any psyche up music, I can just listen to the conversations of interesting and funny people. I listen to A LOT of podcasts, I would love to make one. And the opposite, I have never read anyone else's blog, and I don't get why anyone reads mine. But I appreciate anyone who has made it this far. :)

It is the best alternative to music. I often re listen to certain ones to recapture the feeling I got from listening to it the first time, or to remember some great advice or insight. TRY IT OUT. IT'S FREE!