Sunday, May 22, 2016


I have it, obviously. Today I do for no real reason. It's a nervous tingling in my body. An unsettling uncomfortable sense that is at the root of no real cause. There is no immediate threat to my existence, I am in no danger, and I am sitting outside writing this on a beautiful day. Yet the feeling is still there.

Maybe it's the thought that the feelings in my scars will not go away, that is always there. I can't seem to get over that, or forgive myself, but it has to be something deeper than just that. Usually when I drink caffeine it gets worse, I had a can of Cherry Coke, coffee does it too. When I drank coffee at work in my warehouse job I did not get it... I don't know how that worked.

Anxiety is the fear of a possible threat, I think. I don't do things a lot of the time because the idea of it makes me nervous. For example... I work security at night clubs, I have this thought of a visual joke I could do to a patron to make them laugh. I would get there attention, shine my light on my shoe, look back at them then direct their eyes back to my shoe shaking to the music. I have this idea that it will be funny, but I have never done it. I know it is a completely and moronically silly and nonthreatening thing to do but I am scared to do it. I am scared of their non reaction to it, but I KNOW that even if they don't think it's funny, I will still laugh, and I can take small moments of discomfort. 

Right now, there is no threat to me. Is it only some psychological discomfort in not having a steady job ? Maybe, I can't really describe it, I have a lot of opportunities and possibilities that are very positive and I am scared of them. A guy in my Improv class told me today that he has been doing stand up for 6 months and has already gotten paid gigs. We have established a possible relationship through that but that is somehow scary to me. He told me he made his own website, which seems too stressful to do, which causes me anxiety.

Anxiety makes no sense sometimes, I believe it was adapted as a defense mechanism. When cave people had to be scared of wild animals so they would run away and keep living. Now it's manifested in our society as a minor "illness" or what ever you'd call it, that can be medicated. I have pills and I don't really know if it works. The bottom line is I should shut my stupid mouth and fingers and just deal with my shit so it stops preventing me from doing the shit I want to do.

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