Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Drunk Tale #1


I was at a party in the South Side of Chicago. Not a rough area, but that's where a mutual acquaintance happened to live, so that's where I was getting drunk with my friends.
I remember I had just met this super hot girl the night before, and I was talking to her at this party. But naturally, she had guys all over her at other points in the night.  My ride was forced to leave because someone who came with us was too intoxicated. He offered me a ride, but I stuck around in hopes of "getting" with this girl, so I stayed way too late at this party. Most of my friends had left, and I believe the girl did too at this point. It was probably 4 or 5am and I had missed my opportunities.

I kept asking people for a ride, and they kept telling me, "I already told you can't give you a ride, I'm sleeping here." So after enough ride rejections I just left on my own, "I'm going to walk home." I said to myself. So that's what I started doing.

I began stumbling off into the night, and I found myself in a parking lot. I think it was the back of a store, Target or Jewel, because there was a company van parked there. I was pissed because of the girl and no ride, so I figured, why not do some damage to a government vehicle. I'm sure it's covered by insurance.

I walked up to the driver side window, looking at it, my mind was going to my dad. He told me a story of his attempt to break a car window with the back of his elbow unsuccessfully. He thought that breaking a car window was IMPOSSIBLE. So I was going to prove him wrong... I squared up to the window, raised my elbow and swung it forward shattering the glass. After the loud CRASH I took off, not admiring my destruction, I was too scared of getting caught. After drunkenly sprinting for fifty yards or so I slowed down. I was still in the back parking lot of something and saw ANOTHER car... So I picked up a giant slab of rock, and heaved it at the windshield. I watched and heard it crack, then took off again.

I eventually made it to a street, I sat down on a bench with my ripped forearm bleeding, and called my parents. I wanted to tell my dad he was wrong, but I didn't get the chance because of their less than stellar reaction of me was actually calling them for a ride at 4 or 5 in the garsh darn morning. So I get back up, and LUCKILY, in another parking lot I see a taxi, where someone is getting out of. I run over to it and hop in quickly. The driver was nice enough to start driving me home without question, so I started opening up to him. We had a long provocative conversation about life watching the sun come up.

I confided in him what I had done, and he ended up telling me that he lost his wife to cancer (I don't know how to make that a smooth transition. I'm going for the juicy parts.)
So the taxi driver made me feel better about myself when I got home to Palatine around six am for about a measly one hundred dollars. I said goodbye to him and went inside and upstairs to let my dog lick my bleeding elbow for awhile until I had to go to work four to five hours later.

So there's the first drunken tale, they won't come in chronological order. But I'll keep pumping them out until I can't think of any other ones. Then I'll have to generate new ones.

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