Drunk Tale #1

SOMETIME IN LATE AUGUST 2014

I was at a party in the South Side of Chicago. Not a rough area, but that's where a mutual acquaintance happened to live, so that's where I was getting drunk with my friends.
I remember I had just met this super hot girl the night before, and I was talking to her at this party. But naturally, she had guys all over her at other points in the night.  My ride was forced to leave because someone who came with us was too intoxicated. He offered me a ride, but I stuck around in hopes of "getting" with this girl, so I stayed way too late at this party. Most of my friends had left, and I believe the girl did too at this point. It was probably 4 or 5am and I had missed my opportunities.

I kept asking people for a ride, and they kept telling me, "I already told you can't give you a ride, I'm sleeping here." So after enough ride rejections I just left on my own, "I'm going to walk home." I said to myself. So that's what I started doing.

I began stumbling off into the night, and I found myself in a parking lot. I think it was the back of a store, Target or Jewel, because there was a company van parked there. I was pissed because of the girl and no ride, so I figured, why not do some damage to a government vehicle. I'm sure it's covered by insurance.

I walked up to the driver side window, looking at it, my mind was going to my dad. He told me a story of his attempt to break a car window with the back of his elbow unsuccessfully. He thought that breaking a car window was IMPOSSIBLE. So I was going to prove him wrong... I squared up to the window, raised my elbow and swung it forward shattering the glass. After the loud CRASH I took off, not admiring my destruction, I was too scared of getting caught. After drunkenly sprinting for fifty yards or so I slowed down. I was still in the back parking lot of something and saw ANOTHER car... So I picked up a giant slab of rock, and heaved it at the windshield. I watched and heard it crack, then took off again.

I eventually made it to a street, I sat down on a bench with my ripped forearm bleeding, and called my parents. I wanted to tell my dad he was wrong, but I didn't get the chance because of their less than stellar reaction of me was actually calling them for a ride at 4 or 5 in the garsh darn morning. So I get back up, and LUCKILY, in another parking lot I see a taxi, where someone is getting out of. I run over to it and hop in quickly. The driver was nice enough to start driving me home without question, so I started opening up to him. We had a long provocative conversation about life watching the sun come up.

I confided in him what I had done, and he ended up telling me that he lost his wife to cancer (I don't know how to make that a smooth transition. I'm going for the juicy parts.). 
So the taxi driver made me feel better about myself when I got home to Palatine around six am for about a measly one hundred dollars. I said goodbye to him and went inside and upstairs to let my dog lick my bleeding elbow for awhile until I had to go to work four to five hours later.

So there's the first drunken tale, they won't come in chronological order. But I'll keep pumping them out until I can't think of any other ones. Then I'll have to generate new ones.

Kicked out of the show TWICE!!

I went to a Pretty Lights concert at Illinois State University (ISU) in 2012. The venue was set up in a way that a bowl/pit was in the middle, which you needed a wristband for. I was stuck in the stands with chairs above the bowl with most of my friends. So like the year before when I saw Bassnectar at this venue, I jumped into the bowl with all of my friends and enjoyed the show snaking through sweaty dudes to grind on ladies.

On the first attempt, I jumped in alone. I might have taken a few steps until I felt two guards grabbing me. They had a hold of my arms until I RIPPED away hard, and they did not like that at all... I soon felt five or six guards man handling me towards the exit.

One guard had my right arm jammed up behind my back, another guard had his arm wrapped around my neck choking me, and the others were pushing me out. I was resisting because that was my instinct, and if I stopped resisting I felt I might have fallen over from the pressure behind me. We made it outside, two of the guards were cops, one of them yanked my wallet out of my back pocket, and took the tiny amount of weed inside of it.   

"Don't go back in and we won't give you a possession charge."

Why would that stop me? I was upset for a minute until I walked around the side of the venue where the smoking area was. An area closed off by a three foot tall railing, so I hopped that and went right back inside. I found some of my friends still hanging back in the stands. I told them how I was kicked out, and waited for them to try and jump in as a group. It would be impossible for them to grab all of us.

I waited for a few of my friends, as they jumped in I quickly followed them. I landed right near an overweight security guard knocking him over. So he got up and began forcing me out of the same door.

"Why are you kicking me out?!"
"Because you knocked me over."

He was a heavy gentleman, and I don't blame him for being upset about falling over. So I didn't resist this time, knowing I could sneak back in through the smoking area. I reentered the outside, I saw the two cops who had already kicked me out, luckily they just looked at me.

So I hopped back in through the smoking area, and jumped back into the bowl shortly after and had fun bumping and grinding against dames to the music. It was quite the show. I'd never been kicked out of a show twice before that or since.

Trump Vs. Bush

I don't care about politics, it only frustrates me to see these guys arguing, and trying to make each other look bad. But I went in for an interview for a satirical news program, where I had to write 8-12 sentences on Donald Trump and Jeb Bush. I do have opinions about them, so here is the sample I submitted.

TRUMP OR BUSH

Trump supporters enjoy his “honesty” and his “shooting from the hip” attitude. Although, it’s safe to say that he has not shot from his hips in many years without the support of male enhancing drugs. Joe Klein describes Trump supporters as “low information voters”, or as Trump would put “Mexicans”.

Trump has enough money to waste several years trying to become the president, so why wouldn’t he bother people with shocking statements and ideas? Best-case scenario he can occupy the White House, and attempt to have his name embedded on the side. But hey, at least we have a Bush brother running against him, Joe Klein quoted Jeb Bush as “one of the most substantive people out there.” America has clearly decided substantively that his brother George was one of the worst presidents in history. So substantively, Jeb should do a fine job on reputation alone. Trump is forcing all of the Republican candidates to stoop down to his lower than average level of insulting and smear campaigning “That’s simply not true,” are his competitors best defenses. He makes up stories for them to defend, just to distract them from the real issues, his hair and his hair. Whether you’re for Jeb Bush, Donald Trump or anyone else, bottom line is whoever wins, will have made their opponent look worse than them, and America will “change”. 

This took me about an hour an hour to write, based off reading from two articles for inspiration. I enjoyed the challenge, and even if I don't get the job, I have this writing sample. So... Politics. I really don't give a shit who wins, because they are all conniving, back stabbing phonies. So fuck 'em both. I just realized that Trump supporters would not be Mexicans, because he dislikes them... shit. 

SHOW: Breaking Bad

This is the best show that has ever happened. I'd put off watching the series because of seeing a death at the end of season four, and witnessing what I saw as a major spoiler. I finally gave in and watched the whole series in 11 days.   Spoilers Below

It is so fucking compelling and juicy. Every SINGLE episode ends with a cliff hanger. It would have been extremely frustrating having to watch it weekly, as it aired. I almost never watched just one episode at a time. 

The dialogue is really amazing, Jesse and Walt's relationship is so odd and deep, and it's hilarious. There back and forths are filled with frustrating jokes and a weird bond. The drama is so mind blowing and intense, that the humor that is plopped in keeps you from stressing out on Walt's behalf. My parents couldn't watch it because they were to stressed out by it.... A TV show caused them anxiety. It caused me stress to, I was so invested in this world. That's good fucking writing, when you cause the audience actual stress.

One of the best juxtapositions of the series was after Walt reenters living with Skyler through his sneaky and caniving new ways. He is making dinner and she struts up to him and says "I fucked, Ted." She walks away and all you see is his destroyed face. 
 The next episode starts off with Walt storming into her office looking for Ted. He starts dragging a heavy plant towards Ted's office, Skyler see's him.

"Walt, what are you doing?"
(Walt looks up at her) "I'm just talking with, Ted."

BOOM, fucking comedy genius right there. Stacking those two episodes back to back showed the incredible layers and range of the show.    

At the end of each episode, I was SURE that Walt would not be able to get out of whatever jam he was in, but he did EVERY time. When I try writing a story, I try to avoid getting my characters into trouble because it's hard to figure a way how to get them out of it. But Vince Gilligan is so genius that he dragged Walt through almost every possible horrible scenario. 

And the ending was superb, an ultimate finale. No show in history has ever ended so perfectly in my opinion. I was fucked up mentally after that ending, like I was after almost every episode as well. God damn it was too good. 

SHOW: Mad Men

I intended for this blog to be positive. I don't enjoy hating on things, but Mad Men is really not grabbing me at all. I trudged through the first season with very little investment. I did enjoy learning how Jon Hamm became Donald Draper, but that's about it. It's very common and popular to shit on shows that are well known and loved, and I don't enjoy doing this.

A great TV show should grab you from the first couple of episodes, if not the first. Not the first couple of SEASONS. I really want to like this show, because I've heard such great things about it, but I just watched Ep. 2 of Season 2 and was bored out of my TITS. I hate Pete Campbell, he is a Cunt. I'd like to stick a fish hook through his neck fat and dangle him from a two story balcony. Somebody needs to die and I think it's him. Most great dramas have deaths that occur early, and if they don't there is some really seedy shit going on that compels you to watch the next episode. 

Watching guys in suits sit around and talk advertising is not interesting. I love Jon Hamm, but I don't understand how they kept this show after the first season. There are a lot of people having sex, but I'm not into it. Kill somebody, or have somebody sodomize Pete Campbell with a dry umbrella.

I'm sorry America, but I'm not a fan of this show. Maybe I'll feel differently after trudging through seasons 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.

First day on the Job

I found a job on Craigslist for a security company. I am not a tough guy in any sense, more so a panzee, but I am big and shady, so I figured I would take advantage of my size. After being interviewed and going to orientation, I was assigned my first shift, 11pm-5am at an expensive night club in Chicago called Cuvee on a Saturday night. I was excited but intimidated, like I said my pan is full of anzee. I arrived to the parking lot near the club to be met by one of the guards, Max. He walked me to the club, and on the way he introduced me to being a respectful security guard at an expensive night club full of rich Europeans.

We arrived at the club and he introduced me to some of the other guards and then showed me around the club. He showed me every post, and what duties are to be fulfilled at them. He hooked up my mic to my shirt and walkie talkie. The night was beginning and he continued explaining everything to me. Basically trying to make me feel comfortable and safe in asking him or anyone else questions.

So patrons began showing up, and I was posted up by the main office and back exit. I had a question so I called him over "Max Office/Exit, Max Office/Exit". I made eye contact with him from across the club, and he looked at me confused. When he came over he was smiling and said "My name's Tom." And we laughed good naturedly about that.

So, Tom was circling the club through out the night, and would pop by to check on me from time to time. Everything was going all right until about 4am. To my right was an entrance to the VIP section, and I saw a shove. There were lots of guards swarming some muscley spikey haird patrons, and I saw them go towards the opposite exit of me.

Later, through my ear piece, I started hearing the occasional "Where's Tom", "We can't find Tom." I was very confused. Guards began rushing in and out of the office and exit I was posted by. Then police men showed up looking for the owner at the office door. It was very disorienting, and I had no idea what to do but stay at my post.

So around 5am we had the patrons leave the club, and all of the guards met in the back area. During the VIP incident, six men were escorted out. And, Tom somehow was the only one left outside with them. These guys beat the shit out of Tom, and he was sent to the hospital. 

Our head guard was obviously furious, he was questioning the guard who's post was at the exit where the escort took place. 

"So Tom's outside getting his ass hole kicked in, banging on the door, and nobody let me know. You Troy, what happened that was your post."
"I was at my fucking post, and then you guys told me not to move." 
"You're fired, get the fuck out."

So Troy's gone. Ironically, Tom introduced me to him at the beginning of my shift.

"That's Troy, he's been a guard here a long time, he's a good dude."

Apparently he's not really, because he let our second in command get jumped. Another guy who was pretty new began yelling about the firing of Troy, he was confused why he was fired for cursing at our head guard. He ranted and raved a bit longer until he left on his own. He didn't come back.

Our head guard ended up talking to a security guard who overlooks the company about the whole incident. The rest of us guards were standing in the back room sulking contemplatively. This intense bomb was dropped on us all, and an odd sense of disoriented camaraderie was forming.The overlooking security guard came in to speak to us all, and none the less he was peeved. He explained to us how one of their gun carrying security guards was shot and killed recently. And now we let one of our guys get sent to the hospital. When he stopped, we all left for the parking lot as a group and went home.

So I was fucked up from that. My first day on the job, and the guy who showed me the ropes got jumped. I did not sleep, I stayed up and made a group call with my members at the Landmark Forum at 10am, and went to my Movement class at Second City at noon.

I felt scared, like I wanted to quit. But more so I feel a need to make sure that doesn't happen again. And my next two shifts since then have been much more precautionary, and I feel much closer to my fellow guards from that horrible incident...

I no longer work there, nobody was jumped after that incident. 

COMEDIAN: Dave Attell

He is one of the only comics that literally makes me LOL (Laugh out Loud. For anyone who's forgotten what that actually stands for.) EVERY time, I can always count on him for some visceral laughter. Not just some "Yeah that's pretty funny" in my mind kind of laughter.

Whether it be one of his stand up specials, tapes, podcast interviews, O&A appearances or seeing him in the occasional TV or movie appearance, it's IMPOSSIBLE not to laugh.

Some people see going blue as a crutch. But Dave Attell has turned it into the golden dolphin dildo of crutches. He's way too hilarious to deny his blue humor. He has perfected the craft.

He has one amazing joke after one incredible joke, with astounding delivery. There's something about his voice, the way he puts a little extra oomf onto the end of each word or sentence  that pops your funny brain pussy (not sure what that means you get my point...) I can't put into words what he does to deliver, but it kills me every time. And only he can make that funny.

It's impossible for him not to make something funny. I don't know HOW many more ways I can put that, and I'm running out of nice things to say about Dave Attell. So I'm going to listen to "Skanks for the Memories" on YouTube.

Also, check out "Road Work" on Netflix or "Captain Miserable" on HBO, "Your Mouth's Not Pregnant" is also on YouTube, as are the other two above. Check him out people. You can't deny him!! He's going to fuck your funny brain pussy whether you like it or not. And if you don't let him, he's going to fuck your future son or daughter's funny brain pussy.

Good night everybody!!!!!

COMEDIAN: Brian Regan

Anybody who's anybody knows anybody. And that anybody is Brian Regan. He is without a doubt one of the funniest and most respected pure stand ups in history. He is one that makes it look easy.

He is the cleanest and most absurdly observational fella this side of the juniper berry.
He can talk about pop tarts for hours, or fig newtons, and you can't help but listen and laugh your taint off.

He takes any minuscule ordinary topic and blows it up in a way that makes you think "How did I not think of that?" He makes it click in your brain and you love him for it.

He is also one of the few comics that is purely a stand up. Many of them bleed over into acting/writing/etc. (Which is what I hope to do). But he has literally carved out his OWN path. Decades of doing only Stand up has made him a respected, HILARIOUS, and wealthy human being.

If we had to leave the Earth for Mars, Brian Regan would have to be the first guy to bring with on the list (or form). He'd keep the world entertained, and out of our miserable lives until his last breath. Because he lives for making others happy. He is a truly noble guy, going up by himself for so many years just to make the world a better place.

His cleanness is completely respected, because it's undeniably funny. I believe that he does not use blue humor because he doesn't want to upset people, and because it makes him work harder for solid laughter, and ultimately funnier. I love some good blue humor, but it's nearly impossible not to LOVE Brian Regan. He will without a doubt go down in the history books (Or history kindles) as one of the Greatest of all times.

COMEDIAN: Jeff Ross

The Roast Master General, is one of my favorites. I read his book "I Only Roast The Ones I Love" for the second time and its phenomenal. It's really funny, sweet, philosophical and informative, not only about his life but with his technique and insight to roasting. He is a very giving person, and the book is a tool to any future roasters.

I am lucky to say that I saw him and he roasted me. It was incredible to watch him work, and to see how comfortable he was with making eye contact and examining people. I laughed my balls off, but I froze up when he put the mic in front of me. One thing he did that was amazing is he shut down the obnoxious drunken idiots that were yelling the whole show.

"Hey be quiet, you could talk if you had the balls to come up here!" Is something like what he told them. It was more eloquent and more on the money, then he proceeded to make fun of my height and attire.

I got to shake his hand and tell him I was honored, and he told me "You're a good man". And I'll never forget those words.

Not only is he one of the ballsiest comics alive, but he's one of the funniest and one of the most sincere. I love him and would be honored to meet him and be roasted by him again.