Monday, November 9, 2015

Hey there, Mr. Big Tough Guy.

I am not a fighter. I am what most people would call a 'vagina with legs'. Not really, most people call me Princess Pussy-hair. The masculine form at its core (to me) is to take what you want, and rid of anyone/thing in your way. To be superior to other men and not to be disrespected. Some shit like that, that 's why men look at Al Capone and Frank Lucas with some amount of admiration. They are the ultimate form of masculinity: Power, respect, money, women. In the eyes of the masculine vein, that is king.

I have always been ashamed of never having been in a fight. There were two instances where I was playing recreational football and a bigger kid started something with me. I backed down both times. They were bigger than me, I was scared. All of my adrenaline was fueled by anxiety and my flight took over my fight. More like stand there and be embarrassed.

I look back on these moments and feel like I should have been the hero. The smaller kid who beats up the bully, or at least attempts to beat him up. But I wasn't willing to fight, and dealt with the shame and embarrassment of backing down or being called a 'pussy' in front of a large group.

However, I have always had a fascination with fighting, I remember watching fight scenes over and over in movies like Fight Club, The Godfather, The Warriors. I love the UFC. I used to make fake fight videos with my friends all the time! In a lot of ways it's cool and respectable to battle someone toe to toe and win or go down swinging.
I have taken some boxing/kickboxing classes and had a lot of fun in them. I sparred with a few people and got banged up a bit and it felt good. That type of fighting comes out of respect and learning, and that's what's so cool about MMA.
 I've never used any of these things I've learned to hurt people, but now I am more confident in my ability to talk things out. Rather than using any of those learned techniques to hurt somebody. 

I feel that it is boiled down to ego. When a guy feels that he is being bad mouthed, or disrespected. His male ego won't allow him to brush it off, but to take it personally, and to fight to prove his masculinity. A lot of men fight over girls, they want to defend the girl. But primarily it's that their ego is hurt due to the girl screwing around or a guy making an inappropriate pass at her. He would look 'weak' if he let that slide and his manhood is on the line! No... Fighting over a promiscuous girl is not worth whatever bull shit will follow from that.

I am not defending my unwillingness to fight to my lack of an ego. I genuinely did not want to get hurt. But now I am able to talk things out, and realize that my masculinity is not at stake. And I can come off looking more admirable for not fighting and trying to reason or make peace.

On the contrary, I am not necessarily a pacifist. There was an instance where I was playing basketball and this kid kept fouling me. Throughout the game he was slapping and bumping me. Then he started jibber jabbering and he eventually tripped me. I lost it and swung an elbow at him... I know, I'm a crazed and violent maniac... I missed, he kept talking a little bit, and I shot a beautiful rainbow swoosh over him to win the game. The he shut up.
He was asking for a fight, and he got a rise out of me. I was confident in being bigger than him and being in the right about my actions. That to me is one of the few instances where defending yourself is okay. Defending yourself and others is always important to me when there is a resolvable injustice. In that case I lost my temper, it seemed that my only option was to scare him. I don't consider that a fight though...
I was still pissed off at him for being such a cunt basket, even though I won, technically. My ego was letting that kid affect me, and I was upset, and thinking of what else I could have done.

Because I am a very sensitive guy and things bother me more than they should, I dwell in the past, and let things linger in my mind longer than they should. That is where these points of view are coming from. I don't want anyone to get hurt or bothered by my actions, so I just try to be nice. Therefore, I won't be exposed as the fragile, delicate, vaginal legged weirdo that I am.

Occasionally,  I still think about those fighting opportunities, and feel like I should have stood up for myself. But ultimately, those two guys apologized to me, because I  wasn't a jizz turkey that deserved to have his face punched in... And neither were they.

If I see the kid from that basketball game again, I won't attack again, maybe I'll just try to figure out why he's such a cunt basket. Then we can be friends.!

No comments:

Post a Comment