Sunday, May 17, 2020

My Quarantine Transformation

The first couple of weeks of this quarantine were not fun, as I'm sure most of you can relate too.  I felt depressed, unmotivated and hopeless. I didn't get how people were being productive.

Gradually, I grew out of this slump and adjusted to this life of lock down, and I began to get motivated by watching good content and creating stuff.

One afternoon in early April, I saw this video pop up on YouTube. It's about Nofap, which I am familiar with. If you are not, it is a movement to quit porn and refrain from excessive masturbation.

Nofap has been something in the back of my mind since I discovered it in March of 2018, and I have gone back to it occasionally, but it never stuck. I always continued to go back to watching porn and feeling bad about it.

In the video, he talks about some really cool stuff that resonated with me deeply. I invite you to watch the video and do the exercise at the end if this is something you have been dealing with. It is worth the time and effort to see if it's something for you to take on.

He offers a free consultation at the end. So I did that, just to see what it was all about.

I did the call, and it resonated, so I signed up for the porn quitting class that was offered. I was extremely skeptical, and didn't want to pay the money, but I thought "Fuck it. I haven't been able to quit this on my own, I'll try it out." because the idea of quitting porn for life seemed to good to be true, I wanted to see if he was for real or not.

New Beginnings 

I started doing the modules in the course, and talking with other guys in the group, and seeing the results in my life. It has totally shifted my perspective on porn, my life, and my dreams, I have so much more energy now! And am able to redirect my urges and sexual energy into my goals and aspirations.

These are things I have known would be great, but was never able to really promote them because I wasn't doing them. I am now 40 days without porn, and it feels incredible! So, I am promoting quitting porn.

I feel confident in not watching porn again because I'm present to the intense pleasure and rush of dopamine that comes from watching it, and how that dulls everything else in my life.

 It creates unattainable images and expectations on sex, and on life. How are you supposed to truly appreciate a sunset or an engaging conversation when you can get endless, intense sexual imagery in front of you in seconds? I stopped enjoying most of my life, because my brain was so used to instant dopamine from porn.  I wasn't present to it's negative effects.

I'm present to the shame and depression that it triggers. I'm present to the horror and the awful treatment that porn stars go through. They often come into the business as pretty teenagers, to be tossed out of the business at twenty-five as physically, mentally and emotionally wounded women.

I'm present to how much it was holding me back with dating, with my goals, and with improving my self as a man. In mastering these urges, I am mastering my ability to delay gratification, to control my impulses and my mind. Mastering the mind and the self is the ultimate goal, with that, anything is possible.

Sexually Obsessed

This past year and a half at least, I have been mostly writing about sex on this blog. I have been obsessed with sex and women, while being blind to how much it was holding me back.

I was pursuing my goals in comedy and rapping while having these negative thoughts and urges around porn lingering in the back of my mind, and being a slave to them. I'm sure men can relate to how much thinking goes on about attaining sex. It's a lot more than we are willing to admit.

As a culture we are sexually obsessed. Marketing people know that men are horny bastards, so they put half naked women on whatever they can to make us subconsciously drool and pull out our wallets.

It is keeping us subdued, and prolonging our ability to truly connect with real women romantically. So, being recently awakened, I am out to cause other men to get into this stuff, and I am creating a Men's group on Facebook called Rebel Rationale. I'll be posting blogs and making videos of me sharing my story and experiences, offering my wisdom and coaching around it.

Quitting Porn

With a almost two months of no porn and no masturbation, I have so much more energy and focus with my goals. As some of you may have seen I've been putting out 4-5 videos per week, along with exercising everyday, eating healthier, meditating, writing out my goals and dreams and recreating my self as a human being and as a man.

I have so much more time for my goals and interests when I resist chasing quick pleasure. I'm clearing the fog of porn brain every day from my psyche. I am no longer distracted from what I am really here to do on this earth.

How I feel now! :)
If you are thinking this is impossible for you... I did too. I never thought I'd be able to go more than a a few weeks of not fapping.  ESPECIALLY when we're stuck at home all day due to this quarantine. I am proof that it can be done. To me, this was the perfect opportunity to recreate myself, when things are shut down and we have more time with ourselves.

If you've read this far, I imagine you are interested in this kind of stuff. I will be putting out much more content in the Rebel Rationale Facebook Group, which will be coming in a month or so.
So stay tuned if you're down with discovering these things for your self. Creating more content, and generating more ideas is something that was directly created out of taking this on!

What really cemented me into quitting this habit was this course I took on quitting porn and mastering my life. Before, I didn't have the confidence to talk on camera as myself. I didn't have the confidence or beliefs in many things before realizing that porn was really hurting me internally.

I didn't believe I could really quit, and many of these blindspots around porn and my impulse control have been uncovered, allowing me be aware of them and to find out so much more about my self.

So many men die without realizing their full potential. Don't be one of those guys. Here is the link to the course with an introduction video by Josh Hudson.

Please check it out, and check out more of Josh at  Pinnacle of Man. He's a well rounded dating coach and therapist, and I've talked to him over the phone a few times while completing my course. He's also offered to help me with Rebel Rationale and we text every few days or so.

One month ago, I found his videos and started watching them, and signed up for the course.  Next thing I know, he's interviewing me over Zoom! He recorded the conversation to be published on his channel as my success story in completing the course, which I'll share with you all when it comes out.

If this resonates with anyone, or if you are someone who is struggling with watching porn...

PLEASE     REACH     OUT     TO     ME

I believe quitting porn is the first step to really unlocking your potential as a man. Creating new things in your life that you've always wanted to will become something you do every day!

Sunday, March 22, 2020

LUKE NASTY

So, I matched with an attractive ethnically mixed gal on Tinder back in 2015. We had exchanged snapchats and numbers and had been sending some texts back and forth. Along with some enticing dirty snapchats. We had been messaging about getting together at some point overt the span of a year. It was now September of 2016 and I was living in Chicago, so it was more possible to meet up, as she lived in Cicero.

One Saturday night she told me she was going to Moe's Cantina and that I should meet her there. I was hanging out with my friend Jonah at his old place, getting high and playing video games to prepare. It was about 9pm or so, and I decided to head out to meet her, informing Jonah that it was"time to go get my nabs slabbed." 

My plan in this state was to go meet her there and extract her from the bar to bring her home for some nab slabbing. As I used to live close by the bar.

So I went to the area, the intensely loud area of drunken young people was interesting. I had a strange sense of confidence that was uncharacteristic as I often get anxious when I'm high. I suppose going to meet this girl gave me a boost.

I walked down the streets looking for Moe's Cantina, and as I passed the bars and the drunken loud people, I saw one guy yelling at one of the bouncers, as someone held him back.

"You're a pussy... You're a bitch... fight me... You're a pussy... You're a bitch... fight me!" as he really wanted to fight the guy for kicking him out of the bar.

I continued to walk, and finally found Moe's Cantina. I got in line, and when I got to the front of the line the bouncer said.

"You can't come in here with those shoes."
 "Why not?" I asked.
"They're high tops,  it doesn't meet the dress code."

I got out of line and went to an area to look at the people in line. I saw a girl that looked like Brittany and she smiled at me. So I went over to talk to her and hugged her.

"Hey, what's up?" I said.
"Hey, not much, how are you?" She replied nervously.
"They won't let me in because I got high tops on." I explained.
"Oh, no, sorry to hear." She empathized.

She was with some guys and they asked me my name.

"Luke." I said.
"Oh shit, it's Luke Nasty." One of them said, and they all laughed. I began to smile, as I enjoyed my new nick name. I talked to the guys for a bit, and then the guy who called me that said.

"I'm just kidding bro, I used to know a guy named Luke Nasty, but you not Luke Nasty."
I enjoyed that knowledge, and his warm apology.

I looked at the girl with a confused wanting, she gave me an awkward goodbye as she left, so I walked home. I wondered if that was really her, because she didn't know me, and I didn't bother to ask for her name. I just assumed that because she smiled at me that it was her.

I got home and Brittany texted me if I was coming, and I told her that I thought I'd met her there, and it in fact it was not her. So unfortunately there was no nab slabbing that occurred for me that evening.

I didn't want to go back out there. I was impressed with myself for being that confident. Although I wouldn't have been if I didn't think that that girl was someone I knew. It's a good trick to approach someone like they are someone you know, especially when you really believe it.

Any who, Brittany and I never managed to meet up. I told Jonah about the encounter, and he enjoyed the fact that I was Luke Nasty for a few moments.

Sunday, February 16, 2020

The Sacred Sideshow

One year ago today (2/16/19) I did a show at my friend Christopher Place's place. I had just written some poems about my recent heartbreak as Vic Smith, and was excited to share them at The Big Top,  the name of the venue. When I heard "THE BIG TOP" I imagined a big luxurious tent, with a fancy bar and many plastic chairs in front of a large stage, for me to be reciting my heartfelt poems.

I was inspired to write the poems as my break up from a few months before was right in my face on Valentines Day, and I felt this was the best way to get over my sadness at the time. My buddy Faraaz, who I met in Ireland close to a year earlier was visiting Chicago with his cousin Lianna, and they were coming to see it. I also posted a video online promoting the show on V day to get the word out.

The day of, I wrote up the poems on some notecards for the show and made my way over to The Big Top for The Sacred Sideshow.

It was quite far on the South Side, I got off at Sox-35th on the Red Line, and I had to walk for about ten minutes. I was beginning to think that I was going to the wrong place and was getting nervous, as things began to look a bit desolate. I was soon entering a neighborhood of many apartment complexes, away from general civilization, and far away from my large tent with plastic chairs.

I arrived to the address. I called Christopher and he buzzed me up to go in. I walked up to meet him and all the different people. Christopher was wearing a black dress shirt, a rainbow bow tie, and black leggings, outlining his groin, so I gave him a hug.

He showed me the performance space, in the living room. It was a long room with pillows and cushions on the ground for seats on both sides of a strip pole with a mirror behind it, an ideal space for poetry.

Faraaz and Lianna soon arrived and made their way upstairs, it was great to be reunited almost a year after meeting them in Ireland. They seemed cool with the odd set up for the show.

We were catching up, meeting new people, then out of nowhere I see my Dad's friend/old co worker, Nick walk over to me with a beer. My first thought was that he had come to see somebody else.

"Nick, what are you doing here?"  I asked.
"We came to see you perform, Vic." Nick replied.
"Holy shit, how did you know?" 
"You posted it on Facebook!" 

I forgot about posting that video on there, and didn't think anyone would actually show up from my doing that. But, Nick came with his wife Jackie to see me perform, as they are big fans of Vic Smith. Nick also does an impression of me, here it is So, Lianna and Faraaz met Nick and Jackie, we all talked for a bit and the show soon started.

We were all ushered into the living room area to sit on both sides of the strip pole, for our highly intoxicated host to begin the show. Christopher began a long introduction of the evening. I sat next to Faraaz and Lianna and saw Nick and Jackie across the way,  "admiring" Christopher's groin.

I was going third and the first act was a guitar player, who played some covers and a few original songs. Then after that, the pole and the space was more utilized for my openers who were two burlesque dancers. They had a fun choreographed dance as they stripped to their panties and nipple tassels. Perfect segue for Vic Smith to come to da stage! Here's a quick video of Faraaz laughing and Christopher standing up shirtless.

I'd never performed with a strip pole as a mic stand, or to the audience being to the right and the left of me. But the audience was really fun and laughed a lot at the heartbroken Vic Smith.

We took a brief intermission, and Nick and Jackie left as their backs and knees were hurting from sitting down for so long. They were also a slightly bewildered by Christopher's attire and demeanor.

Some other acts consisted of ukulele playing, singing, and a Brazilian Jujitsu guy demonstrating some moves on Christopher. The closer was a seasoned stripper who used the pole appropriately. They had people vote on who they liked the most, and the burlesque act won. There was also a raffle, and some guy won 10 bucks, and he gave me a single as he said he liked me the best :)

It was a real fun show, then Christopher kept us around a bit longer to allow/force people to come to the stripper pole and share. There were a few long and awkward pauses before some people went up to speak, one of them being Lianna. We were soon allowed to leave after some speeches were made.
Lianna, Faraaz, and Vic

Faraaz had rented a car, and he drove Lianna and I to a restaurant near by to grab a late night meal. It felt like we were in a foreign country together again, as we were in an area I was unfamiliar with, and it seemed exotic.

They asked me how I came up with my poems and I told them about the break up I went through recently, and channeled that through Vic Smith. They helped me realize I was still in pain about everything that happened, and provoked me to begin some more healing soon after.

We had an amazing conversation. Both of them were so open to me sharing what I'd been through, and sharing their own experiences. They are so open and honest as cousins and I got a lot out of our short conversation over dinner.

It was a great night, and great to see both of them. Seeing them is rare as Lianna is at U of I in Champagne, and Faraaz was in Phoenix at the time and has since moved to Reno.

Since then he and I have kept in touch over the phone, discussing all areas of life every few weeks or so. He is a psychiatrist, so I certainly enjoy the free therapy sessions.

I am grateful to Christopher for putting on this show, and inviting me to play. It was certainly a different experience, as he is an eccentric dude. He's also extremely sincere and kind and open, and a good pal. I'm excited for the next Sacred Sideshow, and will let people know when it is!

Friday, February 14, 2020

Alan Roger Currie


MOOOOOODDDEEEE OOOOONNNEEE!!!

Thanks to my good friend Shawn Shaw, I know Alan Roger Currie, and his philosophies on straight forward, honest communication in approaching women that you are attracted to. Otherwise known as Mode One behavior.

Alan Roger Currie is an author and a dating coach, his books that I have read are "Mode One
"  "The Possibility of Sex"  "Oooh, Say it Again"  and "The Beta Male Revolution".  I could do very long and extensive articles regarding each of these books, but I'll just be acknowledging ARC right now. 

Since discovering him and his techniques and philosophies on interacting with women, I have gained a lot more sexual experiences and wisdom in the dating realm. Before knowing him I was naive about men and women's true sexual nature, the characteristics of alpha males and beta males, and learning to conquer my fears in taking action with approaching women honestly. 

He is extremely intelligent and eloquent with his boldness, and has a deep understanding of masculine and feminine behavior and attraction. He does a great job of breaking down aspects of human behavior in dating and sex. He is very extensive and detailed, and allows the reader to fully understand all angles of what he is communicating.

If you are unfamiliar with mode one behavior, it is basically being upfront and honest with your romantic and sexual intentions. It is one of the four modes of communication when dealing with people. It wastes a lot less time when you are straight and to the point with your intentions. 

Because women already know that when you approach them in most situations, you are interested in them sexually or romantically. Women respect and appreciate the bold honesty more so than coy and indecisive behavior from men.

Depending on the situation, I usually have no problem walking up to a woman and letting her know I am attracted to her, and would like to spend time with her 
intimately. I have also talked dirty to women and have gone home with an hour of meeting them.

Talking dirty to women is another thing he goes in to extensively. Primarily in his book  "Oooh, Say it Again".  It can seem like a scary thing to do, but it can also create some extremely fun and interesting experiences. I've done it many times, and I've never been slapped, or told off by a gal, they usually appreciate it or are entertained and intrigued. It doesn't always work in getting them to reciprocate, but it works in getting your communication across directly and efficiently.

As a straight man, you want sex from attractive women. So you might as well let her know that you are interested and 
give her the opportunity to decide if she is too. There are many woman who are interested, and are waiting for a bold guy to come present an opportunity to them. 

Don't be a guy pretending he is really interested in getting to know a gal so he can make a physical move on the third or fourth date, only to be rejected. This provokes men to get upset and angry that a woman wasted all that time for them.

I've done it in various places and forms and it has worked for me a number of time
s. I've also done it and it hasn't worked, but the rejection came very quickly, and both parties were left self expressed and unharmed. Sometimes you end up having an authentic conversation with a stranger about dating and sex, and they may even wish you luck with the next gal.

There are also times when a woman will give you responses that are not direct rejections or 
reciprocations. For this, you should check out his second and third books  "The Possibility of Sex"  and  "Oooh, Say it Again".  He breaks down the kinds of women that will engage in head games and mislead men. Because you could end up wasting time with a girl who really isn't interested. Or you could walk away from a girl who was interested, but was just testing you more.

And as a woman, if you are looking for a relationship with a guy. I imagine that you would rather have a man tell you that he is only interested in you sexually, if you inquire about a possible long term relationship. Instead of pretending that he is looking for something deeper, to go out on a few dates and have sex. To find out that he only said that so he could get in your pants.

Mode One behavior has changed my life, and listening to this man's audio books has really improved my social and dating life. I invite you all to check him out, here is a brief intro
duction to him and the mode one approach.

I think there is an aura in the air that men are much hornier than women. Women just want us to believe this! Because we will work harder to gain their sexual company if we men believe this (Spend time listening to them, and spending money and energy impressing and flattering them)
.

Although, overall, men are generally hornier, just not by as much as we are made to believe. Women are also horny, they just have more sexual options than most men.

You really do not have to put this time, money and effort in to exchange orgasms with an attractive female. Just be honest and bold with your intentions, and allow women to decide if they will reciprocate or reject your advances. It makes things very simple. I suggest you check out his work and become a student of ARC if you want this for yourself.



Sunday, February 9, 2020

My First Open Mic


I was living in Carbondale Illinois, going to SIU to study film. I had been obsessed with the idea of doing stand up for about a year before that, and decided that this was the place I was going to start. As I'd be a new guy in a new town at a new college, and wanted to recreate myself.

Walking around campus one day I saw a poster for Double Shot Comedy open mic on Wednesday nights at The Long Branch Cafe. I rattled this idea around in my brain for a month or so, thinking of stuff to write, and fighting the thoughts of fear and what not, and decided to go on the night of October 23rd 2013.

I biked over there from my dorm building, and I sat in a booth for a few moments looking at my notecard of "jokes" and a big friendly looking bearded man walked over to me slowly. He asked me if I was there for the open mic and I said yes. I told him I wanted to perform for the first time. He understood and told me his name was Pat, and I told him mine, and he left me to my preparation.

The show soon began and he went up there to introduce the show and told some jokes. There was no microphone, which startled me.

"So let's get the show started. It's this guys first time performing! Please give it up for Luke Warner!"

I did not expect to go first. People clapped, and I went up there as my stomach dropped and my heart pounded through my chest.

I don't remember much of my jokes, I do remember one joke I told that I heard from my grandfather which was "One good thing about Alzheimers is that you can hide your own Easter Eggs". The audience made a noise that I'd never experienced. I thought it was only laughter or silence. There were groans, and sighs, and some laughs here and there through out.

A pic I drew of myself on 4/7/2014
I also said something about how my friend told me that he heard of a frat that used to lace the faucets in their house with roofies for when girls who came over for parties needed a drink of water. I must have had some kind of joke in there. The rest of the jokes I don't remember. 

I was up there for maybe 3 or 4 minutes, I remember shaking a bit, and the laughs I got were okay enough to make me believe it went decent. I got off the stage and sat down to watch the rest of the show.

At one point a guy named Austin Acree went up and made fun of my shirt, as it said "KOK" on it, which was a shirt my sister gave me, referencing a bar "Killroys on Kirk". That, of course I would make some kind of joke about roofie ing girls. So I didn't like him then. I grew to like him a lot as he was a nice guy and very funny.

The closer for that evening was a blind guy. He had a big beard, a white dress shirt, big black sunglasses, a sweet hat, and his cane. He went up there and said "Give it up for Luke, it was his first time on stage and that takes a lot of balls." So everyone clapped for me and it felt really nice. He did about ten minutes on weddings, and about how he's perfect for ugly women.

The show ended and I went up to him and thanked him for giving me props. He put his hand out for me to shake it and I did. I never saw him again, and he never saw me. I said goodbye to Pat and the rest of the folks. Feeling good that I had a new community to come back to. I biked home that night feeling accomplished, as I'd finally done stand up.

I went back there 13 more Wednesdays, and did a different open mic 5 times at a bar where people didn't pay attention much and or heckled. I missed two Wednesdays at Long Branch because I found out that my grandfather died on one of them in December, and that my dog died on one of them in April.

I remember the one where my dog died because instead of going, I walked around near campus and found a basketball court and a few deer hanging out near by. I took a video of the deer as they were staring at me, and I was contemplating going closer to them but was too scared to do so. I felt oddly connected to them and nature as I was sad about my dog.

I did a total of 18 open mics during my year in Carbondale. It helped my time there as I struggled at that school. I expected to be a hit with all the ladies, and make a bunch of new friends, and I didn't really do either. 

I had two roommates, one black dude with a child from the West side, and a short Napoleon complexed black dude from the South Side. We would smoke blunts in the bathroom, and they would tell stories of gang banging and what not. So I started off in fear of them and tried my best to fit in with them.

I soon moved out of their room into a room with a milk toast white kid from Oregon. If I had stuck it out in my old room for another month or so I could have had it to myself, as my old roommates got kicked out of the school for shooting people with paintball guns. 

Playing basketball, making short films and doing open mics were the best things for me in Carbondale. 

I didn't do that much film stuff there either, I wanted to be making more movies in class. I did make one comedic short film that turned into a trilogy. I also made a documentary about my little circle of comedians in Carbondale.

I am proud of myself for doing that at that time, it provoked me to find improv, and create a new comedy journey for myself. Doing stand up was my first time ever performing on stage in any capacity.  I'll always remember that time and those people I started with. 


Sunday, January 19, 2020

My Friend Stanley

After I quit my 9-5 job back in September, I wanted to get back into doing open mics. So I began looking online for some places to go perform on a Monday. There were a lot, so I pondered for awhile and decided to go to Schubas on Southport.

I showed up and put my name in the bowl and sat down by myself. I was nervous as it had been awhile since I'd been to an open mic, and I felt out of place. Waiting for the show to start, I looked near the entrance and saw an old man walking in with a guitar strapped to his back. I thought "That's a big guitar for that old man to carry up all those steps." We made eye contact and he said something to me, and came over to talk. I was very glad to have someone to talk to, and I felt more comfortable relating to him than all the other people closer to my age.

Stanley Johnson
His name was Stanley. He made some humorous comments about his old age and being a former body builder. He flexed his pecs for me to prove it. The show then started and Stanley went to sit down somewhere.

It was a raffle, so they picked names randomly out of the bowl 5 at a time, then would pick 5 more after they had all performed.

I sat and watched some people perform, anticipating if they were going to pick me. After 3 rounds of picking out of the bowl my name hadn't been called.  I didn't want to watch or wait for my name to possibly be picked so I walked out of the place. I went outside and saw someone there writing so I started talking to them. Stanley soon came out and joined our conversation. I told Stanley I was gonna leave and he offered to give me a ride home. 

As he drove me home he was cracking me up telling me about getting fired from Uber and Lyft, driving a cab on and off through out his life, stories from his body building days, and so on.

Stanley 6 months ago
He gave me his card and told me to watch a YouTube video of him performing in 1990. He wants to get 10,000 views before he turns 75 in a few days, so help him out and give it a watch, it's well worth it. 

A couple months went by, and I called him every so often. Then one day in November we talked and he offered to pick me up to hang out.

We went to Welles Park to get me a gym member ship and he made everyone in there laugh for five minutes. My favorite thing that he said in there was in the midst of an awkward silence "So, do you guys still smoke a lot of marijuana here at Welles Park." They all clapped for his performance when we left. When I go back there to work out, they often ask me about him.


He approached this little mannequin boy
saying" Stanley!" So I took a picture of them.
After that we went to Target, where he found a miniature version of himself with a red flannel. We then went to a furniture store, and a guitar place, he's very talented on the guitar and the banjo.

We then stopped by Whole Foods to get some nuts and food from the hot bar. We'll go back there from time to time. He took some nuts for the road, and at the check out the woman asked him, "Do you need a bag?" Which allowed Stanley to reply "No thanks, I'm married." Which made me laugh for 4 minutes straight.

He stopped by my family's place on Christmas to play some guitar for them. They all loved him too, and I'm glad I got to share him with them. I'm always happy to introduce Stanley to my friends to make them laugh.

Now I see him close to every day, he drives me places I need to go and we have great laughs. He'll tell me stories about driving a cab, and give me health and comedy tips. We'll run errands together, and pleasantly harass people where ever we go. When we part ways he'll say"Okay, Daddio, play it by ear, I am approachable." 

He was kind enough to make an appearance on my first Vic Smith Monday of 2020. I've labeled him a comedy legend. I'm also his computer coach, as we go to the library and I show him how to use his laptop, for payment of the rides and the laughs. 

I'm a big fan of him, and he will be one of the people I will miss a lot when I leave for Ireland. 

Sunday, December 29, 2019

My Journey Through 2019

Anger

Most of my posts in the beginning/middle of this year were about my gripes with women and third wave feminism. The amount of people reading this has gone down, as I was separating people into categories, which is something I don't like being done to me. I was complaining about the exact thing I was doing, which is complaining and creating ailments about the "other side". Rather than look at myself and what I was doing. Pointing the finger was much easier.

I was dealing with a break up this year, and was not taking responsibility for what I did. I was blaming her for things, and blaming society for how it breeds people. So a lot of this writing was misdirected anger and disappointment with how things ended with her. I've been avoiding the pain, and chasing pleasure and other things in attempts to get over it.

I dove deep into the red pill ideology to protect and validate myself, and began to view women conspiratorially, and guarded my heart, and only viewed them as sexual opportunities. Anything more could be a possibility of getting hurt again.

As I dove deep down the red pill rabbit hole, I became pessimistic about the future. I felt like things were against me, while saying they were for me. I wasn't going to allow myself to get hurt again and I wasn't going to find a  long term partner that I could trust, and felt angry about how the world works.

I felt distant from everybody. If they weren't red pill aware, they were naive suckers, and they were going to get played. Living blindly in a blue pilled society, waiting to get hurt.

The red pill taught me a lot of valuable things, that may have prevented me from being/staying in my last relationship, but overall, it left me feeling unsatisfied and upset.

I did a lot of preaching against third wave feminism, and it was primarily coming from a wounded and defensive place. I deleted a lot of the posts, as it was part of my "red pill rage" in the unplugging process that was fueled by anger.

I wasn't in the position to be telling people how to think or how to live their lives. I lost friends and dates, which fueled more bad feelings, and a sense of "exposing" some unpleasant truth grew larger to pursue.

Healing 

As of recently I finished reading The Artist's Way, which focuses a lot on healing creatively. My first thought about it was, "I'm not a damaged artist." As I began to go through the book and do some of the exercises, I realized that I did in fact have a lot of things blocking me. Things from my past that influence my negative thinking about my ability to create things in my life.

I also discovered Jake Woodard, who talks a lot about masculine and feminine energy and spiritual healing. He has made a huge impact on me, and taught me to forgive myself for what I've done, and for how I've allowed myself to be treated in the past. I also was resistant to believing that I had to continue to heal from all of the things I've been through.

He talks about the wounded masculine and feminine attracting each other. As well as the divine masculine and feminine attracting each other. I am really enjoying learning about these two energies, and am excited to build myself into my divine masculine, and allowing and accepting my feminine energy as well.

I forgot about loving people, and through creating barriers (male, female, Conservative, Liberal etcetera) I became separated from remembering that we are all human beings. These barriers are just different vehicles in which we operate, and are often used as ways to separate ourselves from one another, and become enemies.

I want people to read my blog, and not fear that I'm going to be preaching against their beliefs. Hopefully, certain people have stuck around and not been turned off. If not, then I guess that's just the way she goes. I want to have conversations, like a lot of people, so if you are triggered or curious about anything I say please message me and we can talk.

I am done subscribing solely to any one ideology, and especially labeling and categorizing people. I see value in everything I have learned about, but going to deep down certain rabbit holes and fueling my own point of view became blinding to the other things I enjoy and to what others have to offer.

I am finding joy again in listening to music, writing, creating videos, writing songs, going to and doing comedy shows, hanging with and making new friends again. And doing it without the weight of having to think a certain way about it, or comment on how blue pilled it is in my head.

I am excited for 2020. I'll be coaching the Self Expression Leadership program with Landmark. I'll also be moving to Ireland in June. My visa will be good for a year so I'll be out of the States for that amount of time.

I appreciate everyone who reads this, I am grateful to be able to start over everyday.